4 Questions to See If You're Ready for a Relationship ðŸ§
4 Questions to See If You're Ready for a Relationship ðŸ§
From Trauma to Trust: Essential Dating Questions for Survivors (7min Read)
TL;DR Summary
Navigating Dating After Abuse:
Self-Worth: Assess if you’ve rebuilt self-worth and self-love.
Time & Energy: Ensure you have the capacity for a relationship.
Past Influence: Reflect on how past relationships shape current views.
Vision for Partner: Clarify the type of partner you want to be.
Common Urges to Date Quickly:
Loneliness and need for connection.
Seeking validation and self-worth.
Cultural and social pressures.
Avoidance of pain and trauma.
Actionable Step:
Engage in reflective journaling to answer these questions and set personal growth goals.
To Date or Not to Date
Navigating the decision to date again after leaving an abusive relationship is complex and requires deep introspection.
I find myself asking survivors these 4 questions over and over throughout their healing journey when they start to talk about dating again (often way too early).
So, I decided I’d put them all in one place for everyone to contemplate.
Even if you’re in a current relationship, these questions are great to check in on every so often.
Let’s dive in!
1. Have I developed a strong sense of self-worth & self-love independent of a relationship?
Said another way, do you feel comfortable about who you are and who you want to be?
Understanding your self-worth is foundational to healthy relationships.
Abusive relationships often erode self-esteem, making it essential to rebuild this independently.
From an IFS perspective, it’s important to identify and nurture the Parts of you that feel unworthy or unlovable.
These Parts often carry the burdens of past trauma.
If left unaddressed, this past baggage will filter your next relationship subconsciously.
You may not even be aware of it consciously, but it’s why so many people are in multiple abusive relationships.
It’s not some random coincidence… We repeat the same patterns over and over because we haven’t gotten to the root cause.
By working with the Parts of you that feel unworthy or unlovable compassionately, you can begin to heal and develop a stronger, more integrated sense of self.
Feeling comfortable with who you are and who you aspire to be is a sign of readiness to share your life with someone else!
2. Do I have the time and energy to invest in building and maintaining a relationship?
A good follow-up to this question is, will you be able to prioritize someone else's emotional wants/needs alongside your own?
Relationships require significant emotional and physical investment.
Assessing your current life demands and energy levels is critical.
Chronic stress from past trauma can lead to burnout and fatigue, impacting your ability to engage fully in a relationship.
It takes time for your nervous system to recover from this kind of stress, months, sometimes years!
I’m not saying you need to wait for years to start dating again, but I believe it’s important to consider this when thinking about dating again.
If you don’t have the time or emotional capacity to engage with someone else fully, you aren’t giving it the best chance to be successful.
Taking the time you need to let your nervous system recover will allow you to show up fully, and build your tolerance to handle someone else’s emotional needs and wants.
It’s not just about emotional capacity either, straight up time in itself is important.
I often break down people’s schedules with them and sometimes they are so busy with work, family, friends, exercise, therapy, a new diet, etc that I question where they will fit in a new relationship right now.
In certain seasons of your life, you just don’t have the time to invest in another human, and that is perfectly fine!
Investing in yourself for this season of your life is actually the best way to attract the perfect partner for you in the long run.
Trying to do it all at once though generally doesn’t work out!
3. Have I considered how my past experiences with love and relationships may influence my current attitudes and behaviors?
As I mentioned earlier, your history with relationships shapes your present outlook.
Abusive relationships can leave deep-seated beliefs and fears about love and trust.
Psychologically, this can manifest as hypervigilance, avoidance, or attachment issues.
Outside of abusive relationships, any past relationship can affect your outlook.
What was your first love like? What kinds of romance movies did you watch growing up? What was your relationship like with your parents? What was your parent’s relationship like?
All of these kinds of things can affect how you understand love and relationships!
It’s important to recognize these patterns and understand their origins.
The Internal Family System’s model is particularly useful here.
By acknowledging and working with the Parts of you that carry limiting or unhelpful beliefs about relationships, you can learn to release them and change these beliefs over time!
For instance, a Part of you might believe that all relationships are unsafe, or that men always leave & cheat.
You find what you seek, and if you subconsciously hold these beliefs, guess what?
You’ll find the kinds of people who prove you right.
Engaging with this Part, understanding its fears, beliefs, and experiences, and then providing reassurance to this Part of you can help shift your beliefs from negative disempowering beliefs into positive empowering thoughts and beliefs.
This process is often best facilitated by someone outside of just yourself.
That’s because it’s hard to read the label from inside the bottle.
Sometimes it takes someone like a coach or therapist to help you recognize these kinds of beliefs and patterns!
4. Do I have a clear vision of the kind of partner I want to be, and am I willing to work on myself to become that person?
This might be controversial, but writing out a list of all the things you want in a potential partner is getting in the way of you finding love.
I know it’s what all the manifestation gurus tell you to do, but I’m telling you, they’ve got it backward.
Most people live their life Have, Do, Be.
They want to have the perfect relationship or partner, so they write down a list of all the things they want in someone else with the hope that they find them.
What you need to do instead is reverse the order of Have, Do, Be to Be, Do, Have.
That means the question you should ask yourself is "What kind of partner do I want to BE? What kind of partner am I becoming for the right person?"
This puts you into a place of Being, which allows you to DO the things you need to do to become that kind of partner.
On the journey of becoming this kind of partner, I promise you, you'll HAVE everything you ever wanted in a partner and relationship.
By becoming the kind of partner you want to be, you will attract the kind of partner you want to have!
Consider what qualities you value in a partner and reflect on whether you embody these traits.
Are you patient, empathetic, confident, calm, compassionate, and communicative?
If not, are you committed to developing these qualities?
Why Is It So Common for People to Want to Start Dating Again Too Quickly
The desire to start dating again quickly after a breakup is a common and understandable impulse.
This tendency can be influenced by various psychological, emotional, and neurobiological factors, let’s break a couple of them down!
1. Loneliness and the Need for Connection
One of the primary drivers is loneliness.
Humans are inherently social beings, wired for connection.
When leaving an abusive relationship, the sudden loss of companionship, even if it was unhealthy, can create a profound sense of loneliness.
This can trigger a strong urge to seek out new relationships to fill the emotional void.
From a neuroscientific perspective, the brain's social reward system plays a significant role.
Interactions with others release oxytocin, often called the "love hormone," which promotes feelings of bonding and attachment.
After experiencing trauma, the brain may crave these positive neurochemical responses, pushing individuals to seek new relationships prematurely.
2. Validation and Self-Worth
After enduring an abusive relationship, individuals often struggle with diminished self-esteem and self-worth as we’ve talked about today.
The desire to date again quickly can be an attempt to seek external validation.
A new relationship might seem like a way to prove one's desirability and worthiness, counteracting the negative self-beliefs instilled by the abusive partner.
Individuals with insecure attachment styles, often developed from past trauma, may seek relationships as a way to affirm their value and soothe their anxieties about self-worth and rejection.
3. Cultural and Social Pressures
Societal norms and cultural expectations also play a role.
There is often an implicit pressure to be in a relationship, as being single can be stigmatized or viewed as undesirable.
Friends and family might unintentionally contribute to this pressure by encouraging someone to "move on" and find new love, without recognizing the need for healing and recovery.
4. Avoidance of Pain and Trauma
Finally, and by far the most common one that I see with my clients is to avoid pain and trauma processing.
Engaging in a new relationship can sometimes be a way to distract yourself from the pain of past experiences.
This avoidance mechanism is a common response to trauma.
By focusing on the excitement and novelty of a new relationship, you can temporarily escape the emotional work required to heal from their past.
The Parts of us that do this are acting out of a desire to protect us from re-experiencing trauma, but in doing so, they can lead us into premature or unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Take Action: Reflective Journaling
I’m a big fan of doing, not just reading or learning.
If you’ve made it this far, you’ve just taken in a ton of information, now it’s time to do something with it.
Set aside some quiet time to answer each of the four questions in your journal.
Reflect on your journey of self-worth, assess your current energy levels, consider the impact of past relationships, and define the qualities you want in a partner.
This activity will help you gain clarity and set specific goals for personal growth, ensuring you are truly ready for a new relationship!
Are You Ready?
Determining your readiness to date again after an abusive relationship involves a holistic assessment of your emotional, psychological, and physical well-being.
By reflecting on these questions you can make informed decisions about re-entering the dating world.
Remember, the journey to healing and readiness is personal and unique—take it at your own pace and honor your progress along the way!
Until next time… Live Heroically ðŸ§
Supporting Research
Self-Worth and Self-Love:
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Time and Energy for Relationships:
McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: Central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873-904. https://doi.org/10.1152/physrev.00041.2006
Levine, P. A., & Frederick, A. (1997). Waking the tiger: Healing trauma: The innate capacity to transform overwhelming experiences. North Atlantic Books.
Influence of Past Experiences:
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Retrospect and prospect. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 52(4), 664-678. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1982.tb01456.x
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2019). Internal Family Systems therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Publications.
Vision of the Kind of Partner You Want to Be:
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144-156. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy.bpg016
Common Reasons for Dating Again Too Quickly:
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Porges, S. W. (2003). The polyvagal theory: Phylogenetic substrates of a social nervous system. International Journal of Psychophysiology, 42(2), 123-146. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0167-8760(03)00156-2