5 Things You Should Never Say to a Trauma Survivor 🧠
How to Offer Real Support to Trauma Survivors (7min Read)
TL;DR Summary:
Discover the 5 things you should never say to someone who's experienced trauma, plus tips on what to say instead.
Learn about the different types of trauma: acute, chronic, and vicarious.
Understand why not everyone who experiences trauma develops PTSD.
Gain insight into the 3E's of trauma (Event, Experience, Effect) to better empathize with trauma survivors.
Learn EXACTLY what to say or ask a trauma survivor
This blog aims to build empathy for trauma survivors and teach you how to be there for them without trying to fix their problems.
Welcome Back!
Sometimes it can be hard to know what to say to someone when they mention they’ve been through something traumatic.
I get that, so today, I wanna cover 5 things you for sure SHOULDN’T say, and give some guidance on how to have this conversation!
Considering 87% of people have experienced at least 1 trauma in their life, this may come in handy.
Let’s dive in.
What Is Trauma?
Before we get to the 5 things, I want to take a second to remind you what trauma is.
I know it can be confusing with all the random TikTok guru’s out there muddying the water.
So, let me clear things up for you.
Trauma is when we experience very stressful, frightening, or distressing events that escape our ability to cope with them.
It could be one incident or an ongoing event that happens over a long period of time.
It could be too much, too fast, or too little for too long.
Acute, Chronic, Vicarious
There are types of trauma broadly speaking, acute, chronic, and vicarious.
Acute Trauma
This is a single, distressing event, such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, a violent assault, or a sudden loss.
It is characterized by immediate reactions that can include shock, denial, disbelief, fear, and anxiety.
Examples:
Surviving a car accident
Witnessing a violent crime
Experiencing a natural disaster like an earthquake
Chronic Trauma
Chronic trauma refers to repeated and prolonged exposure to highly stressful events.
Unlike acute trauma, which is linked to a single incident, chronic trauma can stem from ongoing situations such as domestic violence, child abuse, bullying, or living in a war-torn region.
This type of trauma I deal with the most when working with people after toxic/abusive relationships!
Examples:
Enduring physical or emotional abuse over months or years
Living in an area of ongoing conflict or war
Repeatedly experiencing bullying or harassment
Vicarious Trauma
Vicarious trauma occurs when an individual is exposed to the traumatic experiences of others, often through their professional roles.
It is common among first responders, healthcare providers, therapists, and social workers who empathize deeply with the suffering of those they help.
Examples:
A therapist who treats survivors of violence and begins to experience symptoms of trauma themselves
A journalist covering stories in war zones or disaster areas
A social worker assisting clients with severe trauma histories
Does Everyone Develop PTSD After a Traumatic Event?
I get this question a lot, so let’s talk about it! Bottom line? No.
Just because you experience something traumatic, doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to develop PTSD.
In fact, only 1.1% to 25% of people will develop PTSD or Complex PTSD after a traumatic event.
So, what makes the ones who do develop PTSD different from the ones who don’t?
Tough question, but here are a couple possible reasons why!
Reasons Why Someone May Develop PTSD
Severity and Duration of the Trauma: Generally, more severe and prolonged exposure to traumatic events increases the likelihood of developing PTSD.
Previous Mental Health Issues: People with a history of mental health disorders, such as anxiety or depression, are often considered to be at a higher risk of developing PTSD after a traumatic event.
Lack of Social Support: The absence of a supportive social network can exacerbate the effects of trauma, making it more difficult for an individual to process and recover from the event.
Genetic Factors: Research indicates that genetics can play a role in the development of PTSD, affecting how one's brain processes stress and trauma.
Secondary Stressors: Following the initial trauma, secondary stressors such as financial difficulties, loss of employment, or relationship problems can compound the impact of the original trauma and contribute to the development of PTSD.
Whether someone develops PTSD or not, doesn’t change the fact that they went through something traumatic.
So, knowing what to say or not to say is important either way!
5 Things You Should Never Say to a Trauma Survivor
"Is that a big deal? That happens to everybody."
This statement dismisses the individuality of each person's nervous system and its capacity to handle trauma.
Everyone has different thresholds for what overwhelms them, and with each person's brain being uniquely wired with 100 trillion synapses, you can't assume their experience is universal.
"Just focus on the positives."
Trauma often has no positive aspects, there’s no explanation, there’s no reason why, it just sucks.
While post-traumatic growth can occur, it’s oftentimes only after the healing process that the person can see any positives at all.
In fact, trying to focus on or find the “positives” while experiencing the trauma or during the healing journey can actually make it MUCH harder to heal.
This is why suggesting to just focus on the positives can feel demoralizing and dismissive of the real pain experienced.
"Everything happens for a reason." Or "Your trauma made you stronger."
Phrases like this can be particularly harmful as they trivialize the severity of traumatic experiences.
Some events are horrendous and unjustifiable, making it insensitive to assign a reason or meaning to someone else's trauma.
And again, while post-traumatic growth may occur, it’s only after the healing process that people can see that they might have come out stronger.
Saying, “Your trauma made you stronger.” also overlooks the survivor's efforts in recovery, which, if anything, is actually what made them stronger.
It's important to recognize that survivors become stronger despite their trauma, not because of it.
"Stop being so dramatic; it's time to move on."
This dismisses their experience as their nervous system is in a fight or flight state due to trauma, not because they're being dramatic.
Saying they’re being dramatic is ignorant and compassionless.
And the healing journey is unique for everyone.
I’ve had clients that I work with for 3 months, and others I work with for a year.
Slow is fast in my world, there’s no right amount of time that works for everyone.
"Why didn't you [do something]?"
This can lead to victim-blaming.
Often, traumatic events are unpredictable and not the victim's fault.
Also, you must remember, having not experienced it yourself, you are examining the event with your Pre-Frontal Cortex, the center of logic and reason.
The person who experienced the event was navigating it with their survival network, which is a blunt force tool that must act fast to keep us safe.
How to Build Empathy for Trauma Survivors
The easiest way to start to build empathy, and know what to say to a trauma survivor is understanding the 3E’s of trauma.
Event, Experience & Effect.
Let’s use a house fire as an example. Imagine your house catches on fire, this is the event.
Your experience of this might include terror & panic as you call 911, try to find your kids to get them out of the fire, make sure your pets escape, and save yourself as well.
The effects of this long-term may include nightmares, unexplained panic attacks, or PTSD related to your experience.
Now, let’s imagine you’re the firefighter called to the scene of the fire, this is the same event as before.
However, for the firefighter, running into a fire is something she does multiple times a day.
She’s running through the checklist of how she’s going to put it out, how to get the people out safely, etc.
The experience & effect of this same event would build resilience in the firefighter.
It’s very easy to dismiss someone who says they’re traumatized because our experience & effect of the same event could be different than theirs.
EXACTLY How to Talk with a Survivor
What I’ve found makes it the easiest to talk to a survivor is keeping in mind that I’m not trying to figure out what’s wrong with them.
I am instead, curiously and compassionately there to talk with them about what happened to them using the 3E’s.
What happened to them? (Event) What was that like for them? (Experience) How did what happened to them, affect them? (Effect)
That being said, here are some other frameworks, and exact questions that I use to navigate the 3E’s with survivors!
The Basics
Listen More Than You Speak: Seek to listen, understand, and validate them.
Avoid "Why" Questions: These can come across as accusatory. Focus on "how" and "what" questions to explore their feelings and needs.
Respect Boundaries: If a survivor isn't ready to discuss certain topics, respect their boundaries and let them lead.
Confidentiality: Ensure the survivor knows you aren’t gonna be gossiping about what they tell you, even if you aren’t a mental health professional.
EXACTLY What to Say or Ask
Establish Safety and Trust
"You're in a safe place to share what you feel comfortable discussing."
"It's okay if you're not ready to talk about everything yet."
Validate Feelings and Experiences
"It makes sense you'd feel that way given what you've been through."
"Your feelings are completely valid, and it's okay to express them here."
Empowerment Through Choices
"Would you like to share more about that, or would you prefer to discuss something else?"
"How can I support you best right now?"
Encourage Strengths and Resilience
"I admire the strength it takes to talk about these experiences."
"Your resilience is truly inspiring. How have you managed to navigate through this?"
Offer Support Without Pressuring
"I'm here to listen whenever you feel like talking. Would you like me to just listen, or would you like advice or help with something specific?"
"Is there a particular type of support that you find helpful or comforting that I can provide?"
Just Be
I hope today’s blog helped you build some empathy for survivors!
The last thing that I want to remind you, is that your job isn’t to fix anyone.
Their healing is in their own hands, and oftentimes, people don’t need any help, they just need you to be there.
Just BE.
You don’t need to DO anything.
Just like a kid who scrapes his knee on the playground and runs to his parents for comfort.
It’s a scraped knee, they’re going to heal, and there’s nothing the parent needs to do about it other than BEING there while their kid is scared.
Keep this in mind and you’ll be golden.
Until next time… Live Heroically! 🧠