All 9 Attachment-Style Pairings Ranked (Yes, Some of Them Are Actual Nightmares) 🧠

A science-backed guide to why some couples thrive… and others accidentally create their own natural disasters.

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TL;DR Summary:

• Your nervous system chooses partners faster than your conscious mind does.

• Some pairings activate your trauma; others regulate your entire body.

• The lower the ranking, the higher the chaos.

• The higher the ranking, the more your brain can finally stop screaming.

• You can change your attachment style, and I show you exactly how at the end.

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Your Nervous System Chooses Your Lovers Long Before You Do

You don’t choose partners with your “preferences.” You choose them with your nervous system.

And your nervous system? It’s not swiping based on hobbies and dog photos.

It’s scanning: “Does this person feel like the familiar flavor of love I learned in childhood… or nah?”

This is why someone can treat you like you’re the last French fry on earth, and you still feel obsessed.

This is why your brain convinces you that slow, steady, regulated love is “boring.”

Attachment styles are not vibes or zodiac signs.

They’re neurobiological survival strategies your nervous system built before you even knew how to spell “relationship.”

So today we’re ranking every possible attachment-style pairing from worst to best, not to shame you, but to show you the biological and psychological patterns you’re actually dancing with.

Because once you understand the science behind why certain pairings feel like heaven and others feel like an emotional hostage situation, you can stop calling yourself “crazy”…

…and start calling your brain “adaptive.”

This one’s gonna be a wild ride, my friends…

Let’s begin. 😏

( If you’re listening to this, please review the written blog for the mischievous emoji I added after “Let’s begin.”)

#9: Disorganized x Disorganized, The Emotional Apocalypse

Coming in dead last are two disorganized people. Why is that, Cody?

Because this isn’t a relationship.

This is two traumatized toddlers in adult bodies sprinting toward each other with scissors.

Which is why I consider it the emotional apocalypse of attachment pairings.

From the outside, it looks like “chemistry,” but from the inside, it feels like a panic attack wearing lingerie.

These two fall in love instantly, merge instantly, combust instantly, and rebuild instantly.

If love had a demolition derby, this would be the feature event.

So what’s happening in the brain?

Disorganized wiring comes from caregivers who were both the comfort and the threat.

So the amygdala stays hypervigilant, the prefrontal cortex loses authority, and the nervous system can’t tell the difference between “I love you” and “I’m not safe.”

Put two people with that history together, and FEMA is just as likely to help them as a therapist.

What does it feel like on the inside?

It probably sounds something like this:

• Partner A: “Please don’t leave me; actually I’m terrified of you; wait, come closer; oh God I’m overwhelmed.”

• Partner B: “You’re my soulmate; I need space; are you about to leave; should I leave first; why is this so intense?”

Two people having the same trauma response at the same time, with no one regulated enough to provide clarity.

Yikes.

And from the outside?

People watching this relationship don’t see “passion,” they see a pattern.

• Frantic breakups

• dramatic reunions

• Emotional whiplash

• Social media turbulence

• The “we’re done forever” texts followed by “ignore everything I said” at 2 a.m.

Friends don’t know whether to buy you a wedding gift or a helmet.

Let’s be real: this pairing doesn’t need better communication skills.

They need regulation, trauma healing, and a hard look at why chaos feels like home.

#8: Disorganized x Avoidant, Hide & Seek: Extreme Edition

This is what happens when someone who craves chaotic closeness dates someone who treats emotions like a hostile foreign government.

One’s melting down emotionally.

The others like: ‘Thoughts and prayers.’

It feels like playing emotional hide-and-seek in the dark while both people are blindfolded.

Put them together, and you get someone melting down emotionally while the other person is quietly reorganizing the pantry.

So what’s happening in the brain?

The disorganized partner’s amygdala is screaming, “Connection or death!”

The avoidant partner’s nervous system is whispering, “If we talk about feelings, we will absolutely perish.”

Disorganized over-activates during threat.

Avoidants shut down during threat.

They are fundamentally biologically incompatible coping strategies.

What does it feel like on the inside?

• Disorganized partner: “Come closer, I need you. Why are you so far away? Why don’t you care? Wait, stop pulling back!”

• Avoidant partner: “Why are you so intense; why are there so many feelings; can we not do this right now; should I fake a work call?”

  

Both are terrified, just in opposite directions.

And from the outside?

People watching see:

• The avoidant disappearing mid-conflict

• The disorganized escalating, trying to find them

• The confusing “Are we together or not?” energy

• The emotional whiplash of one person clinging and the other person ghost-floating away

Friends are like, “This isn’t a relationship, this is a Fast & Furious chase scene.”

This pairing doesn’t need more effort; they need nervous systems that aren’t sprinting in opposite emotional directions.

#7: Disorganized x Anxious, The Rollercoaster With No Seatbelts

This one is high passion, high panic, no brakes. These two bond fast and trauma-bond even faster.

The anxious partner is trying so hard. The disorganized partner is trying so hard.

And both are convinced the other person is their soulmate because they feel everything at a level 10.

So what’s happening in the brain?

Both have hyperactivated attachment systems, but the disorganized partner cycles between needing closeness and fearing it.

Anxiety pulls close; disorganized pushes and pulls; both hit a dopamine spike during the chaos.

It’s intoxicating, and exhausting.

What does it feel like on the inside?

• Anxious: “Tell me you love me; don’t leave; please just reassure me.”

• Disorganized: “I hate you; don’t leave me; come close; I can’t breathe.”

Together it feels like passion, but it’s just mutual dysregulation.

And from the outside?

People see:

• On-again-off-again saga

• Explosive fights followed by emotional makeouts

• “I can’t do this anymore” speeches that don’t stick

• Public meltdowns + private reconciliations

• Trauma-bond intensity mistaken for destiny

Friends are like, “This is not a relationship, this is a reality show.”

This pairing doesn’t need more love.

They need stability, safety, and a break from nervous systems that think chaos = connection.

#6: Anxious x Avoidant, The Situationship Olympics

Ah, yes, the pairing I get the most DMs about.

The classic push-pull dynamic made famous by situationships everywhere.

Anxious pursues. Avoidant retreats. Anxious needs reassurance. Avoidant needs space.

Together, they create a cortisol smoothie nobody ordered.

So what’s happening in the brain?

The anxious partner’s attachment system is hyperactive, scanning for threat.

The avoidant partner downregulates emotion by shutting it off.

It’s like pairing a fire alarm with noise-canceling headphones.

The more anxious chases, the more avoidant withdraws.

This is where the term “Anxious-Avoidant Loop” comes from.

What does it feel like on the inside?

• Anxious: “Do you love me? Why didn’t you text back? Are you mad?”

• Avoidant: “I responded yesterday, what more do you want? Can we just chill?”

Both genuinely care, they just soothe in opposite ways.

And from the outside?

People see:

• Hot-and-cold texting patterns

• The six-month “what are we” saga

• Constant miscommunication

• The anxious partner reading into tone, timing, and emojis

• The avoidant partner emotionally evaporates during conflict

This pairing doesn’t need better timing.

They need emotional literacy and nervous system safety.

#5: Avoidant x Avoidant, The Cold War

Two avoidants together is… quiet.

Peaceful on the surface. Emotionally barren underneath.

They can date for three years and never have a vulnerable conversation.

No conflict, but also no depth. No fights, but also no intimacy.

It feels like two IKEA bookshelves cohabitating on the inside.

So what’s happening in the brain?

Avoidants deactivate emotions.

Their nervous system equates closeness with threat, so they regulate by creating distance.

Two avoidants together create a low-arousal, emotionally flat relationship.

Safe but disconnected.

What does it feel like on the inside?

• Partner A: “Everything seems fine. We don’t fight.”

• Partner B: “Everything seems fine. We don’t… talk about anything.”

They’re both comfortable and both lonely.

And from the outside?

People see:

• Lack of depth

• Lack of affection

• “We’re fine” energy that feels more like a roommate situation

• Emotional avoidance disguised as compatibility

This pairing doesn’t need fewer conflicts.

They need vulnerability, emotional presence, and actual connection.

#4: Anxious x Anxious, The Feedback Loop of Doom

This relationship is either heaven or hell, depending on the week, sometimes the hour.

Both people WANT closeness… but both are terrified the other one’s gonna leave.

They are emotionally available, but also emotionally explosive.

They love each other so much they both panic...

But they actually DO the work and heal? They can be unstoppable.

Which is true for all of these, honestly…

So what’s happening in the brain?

Two hyperactivated attachment systems are scanning for threat.

Cortisol climbing. Dopamine bonding. Emotional intensity everywhere.

They love hard and panic harder.

What does it feel like on the inside?

• Partner A: “I love you so much, please don’t leave.”

• Partner B: “I love YOU so much, are you mad at me?”

Both want connection, and yet, both accidentally trigger each other’s fears.

And from the outside?

People see:

• Constant reassurance cycle

• Overcommunication

• Mutual spiraling

• An “we’re obsessed but also exhausted” vibe

Friends are like, “This relationship has more emotions than a Taylor Swift album.”

This pairing doesn’t need to calm down.

They need co-regulation, grounding, and the ability to tolerate closeness without panic.

#3: Avoidant x Secure, The Rehabilitation Program

This is basically emotional physical therapy for the avoidant.

Secure partner shows up calm, consistent, affectionate, and stable.

And the avoidant partner is like: ‘What do you mean you’re not leaving?’ ‘What do you mean intimacy doesn’t equal danger?’

This can work, IF the avoidant wants to grow.

If not? The secure partner gets exhausted really quickly.

And they’re probably thinking something like: “I can help you heal, but I cannot raise you.”

So what’s happening in the brain?

The secure partner activates the avoidant’s ventral vagal system, the part that feels safe in connection.

Slowly, the avoidant learns that intimacy won’t swallow them whole.

But if the avoidant’s walls are concrete? The secure partner burns out fast.

What does it feel like on the inside?

• Avoidant: “Why aren’t you leaving? Why are you calm? Why is this… normal?”

• Secure: “Babe… we’re literally just talking about what we had for breakfast.”

And from the outside?

People see:

• The secure partner does most of the relational labor initially

• The avoidant thawing slowly

• Mismatched pace

This pairing doesn’t need chasing or withdrawing.

They need mutual willingness and emotional participation.

#2: Anxious x Secure, The Nervous System Spa Day

This is where the anxious partner finally exhales.

Secure partners give consistency, clarity, and emotional availability.

All things the anxious partner didn’t even know weren’t supposed to be rare.

They’re like: ‘Wait… you texted me back… AND you mean it?’

Anxious partners give secure partners depth, warmth, and passion.

This pairing can heal generational trauma.

So what’s happening in the brain?

The secure partner offers safe prediction loops for the anxious partners brain.

Meaning, the anxious partner’s nervous system finally feels held instead of in danger.

Dopamine + oxytocin stabilize. Cortisol drops. The brain relearns safety.

What does it feel like on the inside?

• Anxious: “You texted back? You meant what you said? You’re… not confused?”

• Secure: “Yes. Because I like you.”

And from the outside?

People see:

• The anxious partner finally calming the hell down

• The secure partner grounding the entire dynamic

• Healthy communication

• Predictable affection

• Visible healing

Friends are like, “I’ve never seen you this regulated. It’s kind of freaking me out.”

This pairing doesn’t need fixing.

They need to keep doing what they’re doing.

#1: Secure x Secure, The Boring-Ass Relationship That Actually Works

And, in first place, two secure people.

Surprise, surprise.

This isn’t because they’re perfect… but because they know how to repair, communicate, take accountability, and create safety on purpose.”

Listen, it’s not as flashy as chaos, but it’s stable, sexy, honest, emotionally regulated, and extremely good in bed.

Just two grown adults choosing each other every day without losing themselves.

It’s beautiful.

So what’s happening in the brain?

Both nervous systems stay in the ventral vagal state, the “safe and connected” zone.

Emotional availability feels natural.

Vulnerability feels normal.

What does it feel like on the inside?

• Partner A: “This feels easy.”

• Partner B: “Yeah… that’s how it’s supposed to feel.”

And from the outside?

People see:

• Calm energy

• Emotional consistency

• Mutual respect

• Healthy boundaries

• Teamwork

Friends are like, “This is kinda boring… but in a really hot, emotionally mature way.”

This pairing doesn’t need excitement.

They need exactly what they already have: secure attachment.

At this point, you may be wondering if it’s possible to change your attachment style so you can get a better ranking.

Why yes, dear reader, of course you can, here’s how to start!

A Simple Framework to Shift Your Attachment Style

Yes, you can change your attachment style. These are not life sentences, people.

Your nervous system isn’t a prison; it’s a pattern generator.

Patterns can be rewritten.

Here’s a simple framework to get started.

1. Map the Pattern

Awareness is the first step to rewiring your attachment style.

Start by noticing what activates you. Noticing = weakening the old circuits.

Ask yourself:

• “What situations make my nervous system freak out?”

• “What do I typically do when I feel unsafe? Cling, shut down, overfunction, disappear?”

• “What EXACT story does my mind start telling when I get triggered?”
  (“I’m too much.” “They’re pulling away.” “I’m about to be abandoned.”)

Step One

Start a simple “Attachment Log” in your Notes app.

Every time you get activated, write:

• What happened?

• What did I feel in my body?

• What story did my brain tell?

• What did I do next?

You’re not judging yourself, you’re mapping the terrain.

Your brain cannot change what it cannot see.

2. Regulate Before You Relate

You can’t solve a dysregulated problem with a dysregulated body.

If your amygdala is screaming, your communication will come out sideways.

If your nervous system is frozen, you’ll under-communicate or ghost.

Regulate FIRST → Relate second.

Ask yourself:

• “Am I reacting from fear or from clarity?”

• “Is my body in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn right now?”

• “What do I need to feel grounded enough to have a functional conversation?”

Step One

Try a 60–90 second reset before responding to anything emotionally charged:

• Deep belly breathing (inhale 4, exhale 6)

• Orienting: look around the room and name 5 objects

• Parts check-in: “Which part of me is activated right now? What does it need?”

• Cold water splash or hold something cold to interrupt the panic signal

When your body settles, your prefrontal cortex comes back online and suddenly the message you want to send is actually the message you do send.

3. Practice Secure Behaviors Daily

Secure attachment is not who you are. It’s what you practice.

Your nervous system learns through repetition, not intention.

Act securely long enough → your baseline literally rewires.

Ask yourself:

• “What would the secure version of me do here?”

• “Am I communicating clearly, or hinting and hoping?”

• “Am I choosing connection or choosing my old survival strategy?”

• “Is this person capable of meeting me halfway, or am I trauma-auditioning for crumbs?”

Step One

• Share one small need this week, something low stakes

• Set one soft boundary (with kindness, not panic)

• Let someone support you instead of white-knuckling everything

• If someone healthy shows interest? Let them.

• If someone inconsistent shows interest? Pause.

Little secure actions compound. Micro-reps build macro-regulation.

Before you know it, your nervous system is like, “Ohhhh… this is what safety feels like? Say less. I’m in.”

So… What Do You Do With All of This?

If you saw yourself anywhere in these pairings, good. Awareness is the first crack in the old pattern.

Your attachment style isn’t your destiny, it’s just your starting point.

Every time you pause, regulate, and choose differently, you’re rewriting your wiring in real time.

You’re not trying to become someone new.

You’re trying to become someone safe.

For yourself first, and then for whoever is lucky enough to love you next.

Your nervous system is capable of so much more than surviving.

It can learn to trust, to soften, to stay.

And you’re already on your way, you’ve got this!

Until next time… Live Heroically 🧠

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1. Apply to Becoming HER, it’s the 63-day neuroscience-backed reset that helps you finally feel calm, confident, and ready for real love again. Applications for the next small cohort are open — but not for long.

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Supporting Research

• Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.

• Barrett, L. F., & Simmons, W. K. (2015). Interoceptive predictions in the brain. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 16(7), 419–429. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn3950

• Cozolino, L. (2014). The neuroscience of human relationships: Attachment and the developing social brain (2nd ed.). W. W. Norton.

• Dannon, P. N., Lowengrub, K., & Gonopolsky, I. (2010). The psychobiology of love. Clinical Neuropsychiatry, 7(4), 195–200.

• Feldman, R. (2017). The neurobiology of human attachments. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 21(2), 80–99. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2016.11.007

• Gillath, O., Karantzas, G. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2016). Adult attachment: A concise introduction to theory and research. Academic Press.

• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.

• LeDoux, J. (1996). The emotional brain: The mysterious underpinnings of emotional life. Simon & Schuster.

• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.

• Schore, A. N. (2012). The science of the art of psychotherapy. Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology.

• Siegel, D. J. (2010). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Turan, B., Santos, S., & Kim, J. (2017). Neurobiology of close relationships: Modeling associations between cortisol, oxytocin, and attachment styles. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 78, 153–162.