Do You Secretly Hate Yourself? (Yes.) 🧠
How Toxic Shame is Silently Running Your Life (10min Read)
TL;DR Summary:
Toxic shame secretly sabotages your goals, health, and relationships by making you feel fundamentally unworthy.
Internal parts ("Managers" and "Firefighters") try to hide this shame through perfectionism, overworking, numbing, or withdrawal.
These hidden dynamics keep you externally successful yet internally stuck and unhappy.
Heal by honestly acknowledging shame, compassionately understanding your parts (using IFS), and sharing vulnerably with safe people.
Reconnecting with your compassionate core Self frees you to live authentically and proudly.
You’re In Your Own Way
I’m not pulling any punches today, so buckle up.
You don't achieve the goals you set or make the money you want because you secretly hate yourself.
You don't have the mental, emotional, and physical health you desire, because you hate yourself.
You sabotage healthy relationships because you hate yourself.
Notice the pattern?
Toxic shame is holding you back in every single area of your life... BUT, you won't admit it.
You're too scared. You're afraid if it gets out, it'll never go back in.
It will overwhelm you, and everyone around you will see how bad you really are.
You're not chasing success... You're avoiding fear, pain, and uncertainty.
So, you live life dissociated and distracted, never truly present for anything.
Overwork, partying, excessive exercise, productivity, hobbies, drinking, drugs, doomscrolling...
Anything to keep you away from a quiet moment.
Because those quiet moments are when the mask comes off, and it's just you, with you, and you hate yourself.
You're externally successful but internally bankrupt...
But you cannot admit it, so you stay stuck in the same cycles over and over again.
How do I know? Because I'm talking about myself…
These are the challenges I have to overcome every single day.
And let me tell you something I recently learned, “You’re never going to be satisfied and proud of your life until you are stratified and proud of who you are.”
Today’s blog contains the first few steps you need to take to stop hiding from yourself and get out of your own way.
Let’s dive in.
We All Have Baggage
We all carry internal baggage, unresolved emotional wounds, limiting beliefs, and subconscious fears that quietly shape our lives in profound ways.
This baggage subtly holds us back from the health we desire, the wealth & success we strive for, and the relationships we crave.
Whether it manifests as self-sabotage in your career, constant tension in your relationships, or chronic neglect of your physical and emotional well-being, your baggage is always working beneath the surface, guiding your decisions without you realizing it.
The Root of All Baggage: Toxic Shame
Of all the internal baggage we carry, Toxic Shame stands out as the deepest and most damaging.
Toxic Shame is the deeply ingrained belief that who you are, at your core, is fundamentally flawed, inadequate, and ultimately unworthy of love, belonging, or true success.
Shame isn't embarrassment or guilt, it’s believing something is inherently broken about you.
It whispers, “You are fundamentally unlovable. If anyone sees the real you, they’ll run away.”
For ambitious, driven, high-achievers and trauma survivors, Toxic Shame often originates in early experiences of conditional love, intense criticism, perfectionistic standards, or emotional neglect.
Perhaps you learned early in life that your worth was tied directly to your performance, your appearance, or your ability to meet others’ expectations.
Over time, your brain internalizes this painful message, embedding it deeply within your nervous system and identity.
It’s what makes you feel like no matter how much you accomplish, how many goals you meet, or how successful you appear externally, you're still not enough.
It's the hidden driver behind your anxiety, perfectionism, depression, people-pleasing, depression, addiction, imposter syndrome, and chronic burnout.
Directly addressing Toxic Shame isn't just beneficial, it's essential.
Confronting this deepest wound is your greatest opportunity to finally break free and get out of your own way.
The first step is understanding that you are not your shame, it’s a PART of you, but not the real you.
If you’re a long-time reader, you know where I’m going with this…
The Hidden Dynamics of Your Shame
If you're going to face down toxic shame, you need to first understand what's going on beneath the surface.
To do that, there isn’t a more powerful tool on earth than Internal Family Systems (IFS).
I’ve written on IFS extensively, so I’m not gonna go in-depth, but here’s a quick refresher so that you can understand how this ties into shame.
IFS in a Nutshell: You Are Many, Not One
Your mind is many.
You don't just have a single personality, you have a complex internal system, composed of multiple subpersonalities or "parts."
Each of these parts has its own beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and goals.
They act like internal family members, each fulfilling a unique role designed to help you survive, belong, and thrive in a complex world.
In a healthy internal system, parts collaborate harmoniously under the guidance of your core Self, your authentic, wise, and calm center.
But when trauma or shame enters the picture, these parts become burdened, polarized, and desperate to protect you from overwhelming pain.
Shame Through the IFS Lens
IFS understands shame not as a fixed state or permanent identity but as a burdened "Exile.”
A wounded younger part of you that holds deeply painful beliefs of being fundamentally flawed or unlovable.
When you first experienced rejection, criticism, neglect, or conditional love, this exile was born.
It became trapped, locked away in a metaphorical basement of your mind because its feelings were overwhelming and unbearable.
But your internal system doesn't simply abandon this wounded exile.
It creates other parts, what IFS calls "Protectors,” whose sole purpose is to keep this exile hidden, isolated, and silent.
Protectors are divided into two main categories.
Managers (Proactive Protectors)
Managers work tirelessly to prevent shame from ever surfacing.
They drive you to achieve perfection, to people-please, to control every outcome, and to maintain an image of strength and success.
They whisper:
"If I'm perfect, no one can reject me."
"If I keep busy, I won't feel worthless."
"If I never disappoint, I can avoid pain."
"If I always keep my partner happy, they'll never abandon me."
"If I don't show my flaws, they'll never see I'm unlovable.”
These Managers fuel your perfectionism, self-doubt, achievement, relentless self-criticism, chronic anxiety, and inability to rest.
They quietly sabotage your relationships, health, and success without you even knowing it, and the wild part is, they truly believe they’re protecting you.
This is the source of your "externally successful, internally bankrupt" experience.
Firefighters (Reactive Protectors)
Firefighters jump into action when the Exile's feelings of shame inevitably break through the Managers' defenses.
They use any means necessary, numbing, dissociation, addictive behaviors, and impulsivity, to extinguish the shame and discomfort immediately.
They lead you towards:
Drinking, drugs, overeating
Excessive exercise, work binges, endless scrolling
Emotional outbursts, anger, impulsive decisions
Shutting down emotionally and withdrawing from your partner
These Firefighters try to protect you by forcing your awareness away from shameful feelings.
However, their actions come at great cost, ultimately leading to more shame, and perpetuating a cycle of suffering…
Yikes.
The Shame Triangle: A Cycle of Internal Chaos
The cycle of suffering has a name, a shame spiral.
Here's how it plays out internally.
Exile (Shame) triggers discomfort and fear.
Managers desperately try to maintain control to prevent feeling shame.
Firefighters step in when Managers inevitably fail, numbing the overwhelming shame.
This leads to more self-criticism and internal judgment from Managers, creating even deeper shame and reinforcing the cycle.
You become trapped in these unconscious loops, parts running your life behind the scenes, perpetually exhausted, anxious, and unhappy.
You wonder why you're stuck, unable to move forward or truly heal because these parts are operating beneath your conscious awareness, pulling your emotional strings without your consent or knowledge.
I’ve been there myself, and I’ve seen it in hundreds of the people I work with.
Luckily, you can escape this shame spiral!
Reclaiming Your Core Self: The Path Forward
To finally break the toxic shame cycle, you must reconnect with your core Self.
This is your compassionate center that can compassionately witness and heal your parts' pain.
This Self-energy is your authentic essence from an IFS point of view.
It’s one of those things you know when you feel it, and enough people have experienced, that IFS even has a little framework called the 8C’s of Self to help you recognize when you’re embodying this compassionate center.
The 8C’s are:
Curious
Compassionate
Courageous
Clear
Connected
Confident
Calm
Creative
You have access to these 8 qualities 24/7, 365 days per year, your protectors just make it hard to remember at times.
You are not your parts, not your protectors, not your exiles, not your shame.
You are, at your core, not bad, you are whole and complete.
To truly own this, you must start by gently acknowledging your Managers and Firefighters' intentions to begin earning their trust.
Only then will they step aside, allowing your Self to compassionately reconnect with your exiled shame.
This is how IFS works. This Self-led healing brings transformation.
Shame shifts from identity into experience. Parts release their burdens and find new, healthier roles within your internal family system.
When you no longer fear your shame, your protective parts can finally relax.
Your internal family becomes integrated, harmonious, and supportive instead of fragmented and combative.
Sounds nice, Cody, how on earth do I get to this place?
Great question, here’s the first 3 steps to take to reclaim your life from toxic shame!
Your 3-Step Action Plan to Finally Break Free from Toxic Shame
Step 1: Radical Honesty
You cannot heal what you refuse to see.
Admit to yourself, fully and completely, that toxic shame is present in your life.
Admit how it holds you back, poisons your relationships, and sabotages your progress.
Acknowledge the ways your Managers strive for perfection, drive anxiety, and relentlessly criticize you to avoid shame.
Notice how your Firefighters numb, distract, and dissociate you from your painful truths.
Recognize clearly and specifically the cycles and patterns you've been stuck in.
Metaphorically, it's like finally turning the lights on in a messy room you've ignored for years.
Yes, it's uncomfortable, but now you can see clearly what needs cleaning.
Step 2: Befriend Your Protectors and Witness Your Exile
Now, with honesty established, it's time to directly apply the IFS model.
Get to Know Your Protectors (Managers & Firefighters)
With curiosity, compassion, and non-judgment, start observing your protective parts in action.
Notice when your inner critic, perfectionist, or people-pleaser (Managers) emerges.
Notice when your numbing or impulsive behaviors (Firefighters) arise.
Engage these parts gently in internal dialogue.
Ask them directly (silently or by journaling):
"What are you trying to protect me from?"
“How long have you been doing this job?”
“Who or where did you learn this?”
“Do you remember the first time you took on this role?”
"What would happen if you stopped doing your job?"
"How old do you think I am?" (often parts believe you're still a child needing protection)
Compassionately Witness Your Exile (the source of your shame):
Once your protectors trust your sincerity and stability, they’ll reveal glimpses of the exiled part they guard, a younger, wounded, shame-filled version of yourself.
Your job is simply to compassionately witness this exile.
Reassure this younger part:
"I see your pain clearly, and I'm here now to help you."
"You're not alone or unlovable—I understand you completely."
By compassionately listening to these internal parts, you gradually build inner trust and begin healing these deeper emotional wounds.
This internal witnessing is foundational to dissolving toxic shame.
I must also note that doing Exile work alone is not recommended, I suggest you find someone trained in IFS to support you through the witnessing process.
If done incorrectly or too quickly, it can be retraumatizing!
Step 3: Safe Disclosure and Connection
Toxic shame grows powerful through secrecy and isolation.
Healing requires bringing your shame into safe, empathetic relationships.
Choose a Safe Person or Group
This could be a trusted friend, partner, therapist, or a supportive healing community.
Ideally, it's someone who understands trauma and shame, and who offers a nonjudgmental presence and compassionate witnessing.
Start With Intentional Vulnerability
Clearly express to this safe person: "I'm working through some deep internal shame and would like to share something vulnerable with you. I don't need fixing, just listening."
Sharing intentionally and clearly creates safety, sets expectations, and empowers the listener to hold space compassionately.
Create Ongoing Support
Regularly connect with this safe person or group as you process your IFS discoveries and emotional revelations.
Shame healing isn't a one-time event, it's an ongoing relational practice.
Remember, when shame is spoken out loud and met with empathy, its toxic power dramatically reduces.
As Brené Brown famously says, "If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive."
Moving Forward with Courage and Compassion
By gently and consistently taking these steps you’re reclaiming your right to live authentically, free from the suffocating grip of shame.
Imagine how life could feel without toxic shame.
Free. Authentic. Empowered.
You can finally get out of your own way.
This courageous inner work opens up profound freedom, joy, authenticity, and deep inner peace, the kind you've long desired but believed impossible.
You are worthy, capable, and deserving of this freedom.
It's time to get out of your own way.
You deserve to genuinely love yourself.
The question is: Are you brave enough to start?
Until next time… Live Heroically 🧠
Want to Work With Me? Here Are 3 Ways I Can Help You
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Supporting Research
Bradshaw, J. (2005). Healing the shame that binds you. Health Communications, Inc.
Brown, B. (2007). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough.” Gotham Books.
Gilbert, P., & Irons, C. (2005). Focused therapies and compassionate mind training for shame and self-attacking. In P. Gilbert (Ed.), Compassion: Conceptualizations, research and use in psychotherapy (pp. 263-325). Routledge.
Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the internal family systems model. Sounds True, Inc.
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