Is Vulnerability Overrated & Ruining Your Relationships? (Yes.) 🧠
Everyone says vulnerability is the key to intimacy. Neuroscience says it’s not. (8min Read)
TL;DR Summary:
Vulnerability has been oversold as the magic key to intimacy.
Without nervous system safety, vulnerability backfires as chaos, oversharing, or shutdown.
Both partners need to be in Calm Mode for vulnerability to actually land.
Regulation is not a hack — it’s a lifestyle, cultivated daily through nervous system hygiene, boundaries, and parts work.
The Vulnerability Epidemic
You’ve heard it a million times: “The key to great relationships is vulnerability.”
Cute. Inspiring. Viral on TikTok.
And yet… how’s that working for you?
Be honest. Have you ever opened up, spilled your heart, cried a little, maybe even word-vomited your deepest fears, and instead of intimacy, you got silence?
Or worse, a look on their face that made you want to crawl into a hole?
Yeah, same.
Vulnerability alone doesn’t save relationships.
And if you’re an ambitious, high-achieving human who can dominate deadlines but can’t seem to crack the intimacy code, I have news for you: it’s not because you’re “too much” or “too broken.”
It’s because vulnerability isn’t step one.
The Vulnerability Myth
Vulnerability went mainstream after a few soundbites about “courage” and “letting yourself be seen” caught fire, got clipped into 30-second TikToks, and spread across Instagram like wildfire.
Suddenly, every “social media psychologist” was preaching, “Just be vulnerable!”
And don’t get me wrong, those messages were born out of good intentions.
They were trying to fight against the old “never let them see you sweat” culture.
But here’s the problem: in bite-sized form, all the nuance got stripped out.
Seems to be a common theme in today’s social media age…
Now vulnerability is treated like a magic pill.
Having conflict? Be vulnerable. Can’t find love? Be vulnerable. Partner seems distant? Be vulnerable.
But what those soundbites miss is this: vulnerability is not inherently healing.
Sometimes it actually hurts.
Because if you open up when your system doesn’t feel safe, vulnerability doesn’t land as closeness.
It lands as chaos. You overshare, they pull away. They open up, you freeze. You both leave the conversation feeling worse.
That’s the dirty little secret nobody’s talking about online: vulnerability without safety isn’t brave, it’s brutal.
Which brings us to the truth…
Vulnerability Isn’t Enough
Your nervous system doesn’t care about your therapist’s homework or that viral Brené Brown quote.
If your nervous system thinks you’re in danger, your attempt at vulnerability won’t come across as brave.
It’ll come across as needy, explosive, or detached.
That’s not connection, it’s survival mode in disguise.
Think of it like trying to build a glass house on top of a fault line.
Every time there’s a tremor, the whole thing shatters.
That’s what vulnerability without regulation feels like: fragile, unsafe, exhausting.
Trust me, I’ve tried.
So when you say, “I just need to be more vulnerable,” but your body is buzzing in fight-or-flight or stuck in freeze/fawn?
You’re basically handing someone your heart while your brain is screaming, “Abort mission! They’re gonna leave!”
It’s a form of self-torture only possible in today’s day and age…
The Missing Step Nobody Talks About
You cannot “out-vulnerable” a dysregulated nervous system.
Surprise, surprise.
Your body has three basic gears:
Calm Mode (you feel safe, present, and able to connect)
Stress Mode (you’re anxious, reactive, edgy, hustling)
Shutdown Mode (you’re numb, checked out, or frozen)
If you’re in Stress or Shutdown, vulnerability is basically a setup.
Sharing your heart in those states doesn’t land as closeness.
It lands as conflict, oversharing, or shutting down mid-sentence.
But here’s the kicker: it’s not just your state that matters. Vulnerability is a two-way street.
If you’re calm but your partner’s in Stress Mode? They can’t receive your openness.
They’ll misinterpret it, get defensive, or withdraw.
If they’re calm but you’re in Shutdown Mode? You’ll struggle to even hear their attempt at closeness without feeling overwhelmed.
See the problem?
Vulnerability without regulation doesn’t build intimacy; it builds static.
That’s why the first step isn’t “just be vulnerable.”
The first step is helping your nervous system find calm so that when vulnerability does happen, both of you can actually experience it as connection instead of chaos.
This is why Step 2 in my new ebook, Exactly How to Become Emotionally Available, is a deep dive into regulation.
I go into the neuroscience of these three states, plus give you the exact tools to reset your system (and co-regulate with someone else).
Because when you get this right, vulnerability actually works.
We’ll cover one of the tools from the ebook in a moment.
Before we do, let’s talk about what will actually save your relationships.
What Real Connection Actually Needs
Vulnerability isn’t the foundation of intimacy.
Safety is.
Regulation → then vulnerability → then intimacy.
In that order, people.
It’s like language: vulnerability is how you speak love, but regulation is the translator that makes sure your partner hears you clearly.
Without the translator, your “I just want to feel close to you” comes out as either nagging or ghosting.
And here’s the kicker: your protectors (perfectionism, people-pleasing, avoidance) will hijack your vulnerability if they don’t trust you’re safe. You’ll find yourself overexplaining, apologizing, or shutting down before the real intimacy can even start.
What Does “Regulation” Even Mean?
Ok, Cody, but what does regulation actually mean?
Great question, dear reader.
I can practically see you rolling your eyes saying: “You keep saying regulation and safety. But what does that actually look like? How do I know if I’m there?”
Here’s the simplest way I can put it:
Regulation feels like presence.
It’s when your chest feels open instead of tight.
It’s when you can listen without planning your next defense.
You feel calm, curious, compassionate, courageous, connected, and clear.
It’s when your partner shares something hard and you don’t panic or shut down, you stay grounded enough to actually listen & respond.
It’s not some mystical Zen state where you never get triggered.
It’s the capacity to bring yourself back to calm, so intimacy doesn’t feel like danger.
And because I know you like practical tools, here’s one straight from the ebook to help you get there:
Heart-Hand Reset (2 Minutes to Calm)
Place your hand on your chest.
Close your eyes.
Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of 4.
Hold for 2.
Exhale gently through your mouth for 6.
Repeat 5 times.
Notice how your body feels after.
Often, that’s enough to shift you from Stress back toward Calm.
Now imagine starting a vulnerable conversation from that place.
Completely different outcome, right?
Regulation Isn’t a Hack — It’s a Lifestyle
Now, don’t get me wrong.
That little Heart-Hand Reset I just gave you? It works.
It’s fast, it’s simple, it’s effective.
But if you think one breathwork session on a random Tuesday is going to single-handedly rewire your entire nervous system…
It’s not.
Regulation isn’t a one-and-done tool. It’s not a magic pill. It’s a daily practice.
Think of it like the gym. You don’t go once, do three crunches, and walk out expecting abs by Friday.
You build strength by showing up consistently. Your nervous system works the same way.
And here’s the thing most ambitious people don’t realize: your nervous system has probably been running on fumes for years.
Hustle culture, attachment wounds, constant notifications, caffeine-as-a-food-group…
It all leaves your system outta whack.
No wonder vulnerability feels terrifying. Your system doesn’t remember what “calm” even feels like.
That’s why regulation has to be cultivated. Over time. Every day. Through practices like:
Micro resets (breath, grounding, co-regulation)
Consistent boundaries with your time and energy
Rest that’s actually restorative, not just zoning out on Netflix
Parts work (IFS) to soothe the inner managers and firefighters running your show
Daily nervous system hygiene, the same way you brush your teeth
A nervous system that feels calm, open, and safe isn’t an accident. It’s something you train into existence.
Patience. Practice. Consistency. That’s how you go from “constantly on edge” to “actually able to relax into love.”
And yeah, I know that’s not as sexy as a viral TikTok telling you vulnerability is the magic key.
But unlike the soundbites, this actually works.
Which is why my new ebook gives you the full roadmap for cultivating regulation as a lifestyle, so you can finally stop white-knuckling your way through love and actually feel at home in your own body.
Here’s the Hard Truth
If you’ve been wondering why your ambition gets you everything except the relationship you want?
This is it. You’ve been skipping a step.
Vulnerability is beautiful. But without regulation, it’s just chaos dressed up as connection.
And it’s exactly why nervous system regulation is step one for all of my clients, and why I started with it in Exactly How to Become Emotionally Available.
Without it, you’ll keep repeating the same cycle: overshare, regret, shut down, repeat.
But once your system feels safe?
Vulnerability actually builds intimacy instead of burning it down.
So don’t just “be vulnerable.”
Be regulated, then vulnerable. That’s when love finally sticks.
Until next time… Live Heroically 🧠
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Supporting Research
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Coan, J. A., Schaefer, H. S., & Davidson, R. J. (2006). Lending a hand: Social regulation of the neural response to threat. Psychological Science, 17(12), 1032–1039.
Apigian, A. (2022). The Biology of Trauma: How to Recognize and Heal the Patterns of Trauma That Keep You Stuck.
Schore, A. N. (2019). Right Brain Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Schwartz, R. C. (1995). Internal Family Systems Therapy. Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.