Is Your Attachment Style Holding You Back at Work? 🧠
The surprising ways attachment trauma impacts your professional life—and how to heal.
TL;DR Summary
Your attachment style, formed in early relationships, shapes how you navigate professional dynamics.
Attachment trauma can drive behaviors like people-pleasing, overachievement, or conflict avoidance at work.
Understanding your attachment style is key to breaking unhealthy patterns and finding balance at work.
Practical tips: Social connection, body-focused therapies, and Internal Family Systems
How Your Attachment Style Follows You to Work
Have you ever wondered why you struggle to say no to extra tasks or why a critical email from your boss ruins your entire day?
The answer might lie in your attachment style—a blueprint for relationships shaped by your earliest caregivers.
While attachment is usually discussed in the context of personal relationships, its effects spill over into every aspect of your life, including work.
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, describes four main styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Today, we’re gonna break down each of them, how they develop, what they look like at work, and, of course, some actionable tools to help you start healing!
Understanding Attachment Styles: What They Are and How They Develop
Imagine a child on a playground.
They glance back every so often at a parent sitting on a bench nearby.
If they stumble or get hurt, they run back for comfort, reassured by the parent’s calming presence.
This dynamic forms the foundation of attachment theory: our early relationships with caregivers shape how we navigate relationships and emotions for the rest of our lives.
Attachment styles describe the patterns of how we connect with others, especially during times of stress.
They are shaped by the interactions we had with our caregivers in childhood.
Were they consistent, nurturing, and responsive?
Or were they inconsistent, unavailable, or even harmful?
These early dynamics shape the "attachment template" your brain uses to approach relationships—not just romantic ones, but friendships, professional dynamics, and even your relationship with yourself.
Did you read that last one? “Even your relationship with yourself.”
I feel like most people forget that your attachment style isn’t just about external relationships.
In fact, your internal relationship with yourSelf is one of the most important relationships you can develop…
More on that later!
The Four Attachment Styles
There are four core attachment styles, some people call the 4th different things, but the model is the same either way!
1. Secure Attachment
A child with a secure attachment knows they can count on their caregiver to be there when needed.
The caregiver provides comfort and support consistently, helping the child feel safe and valued.
This creates a belief: “I am lovable, and others are dependable.”
In adulthood, people with secure attachment:
Trust others and are comfortable with intimacy.
Navigate conflict without fear of abandonment.
Feel confident in their ability to handle life’s challenges.
2. Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment develops when caregivers provide inconsistent responses—offering attention and support at times, but being distant or unavailable at others.
This unpredictability teaches you as child to stay hyper-focused on the caregiver’s mood, thinking, “I need to work hard to get love and reassurance.”
This may also teach you that you MUST work extra hard for approval and connection, laying the foundation for the anxious achiever who ties their self-worth to external validation and relentless effort.
I see this in my work with clients all the time, and it’s something I work on within myself as well!
In adulthood, anxious attachment often shows up as:
Fear of abandonment and a need for constant validation.
Overthinking interactions and assuming the worst.
Difficulty setting boundaries, driven by a fear of displeasing others.
3. Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment arises when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive.
The child learns that relying on others leads to disappointment, so they adopt a belief: “I can only depend on myself.”
As adults, avoidant individuals:
Avoid vulnerability, fearing rejection or dependency.
Prefer to keep emotions and relationships at arm’s length.
Struggle to ask for help, viewing it as a sign of weakness.
4. Disorganized Attachment
This attachment style has many names, disorganized, anxious-avoidant, insecure, etc, I’ll use disorganize in this blog but heads up, it could be called other things, other places!
Disorganized attachment develops from a confusing dynamic where caregivers are both a source of comfort and a source of fear—such as in situations with abusive, neglectful, or unpredictable behavior—leaving the child unsure whether to seek connection or self-protect.
This creates a conflicting belief: “I want closeness, but closeness isn’t safe.”
A more extreme belief I’ve heard from disorganized attached people sounds something like, “I hate you; don’t leave me.”
In adulthood, this can manifest as:
Intense, unpredictable relationships with swings between clinginess and withdrawal.
A difficulty trusting others, even while craving connection.
High sensitivity to rejection and conflict.
The Neuroscience of Our Attachment System: More Than Just Psychology
I’d like to make something very clear to you before we continue.
Your attachment system isn’t just a mental framework—it’s deeply embedded in your nervous system, acting as a physiological safety net that regulates your emotions, behavior, and connection with others.
It’s even got a name, your attachment system.
Trauma and dysregulation of this system are at the core of my research and client work.
From a neuroscience perspective, it’s a complex network of brain regions, hormones, and neural pathways designed to keep you safe and socially connected.
How the Attachment System Works
At its heart, our attachment system is a biological survival mechanism.
It evolved to ensure infants stay close to caregivers, who provide food, protection, and emotional regulation.
It begins to form prenatally and continues to develop throughout early life.
This complex neurobiological system enables the formation and maintenance of social bonds, adaptation to various environments, and regulation of emotional responses in the context of significant relationships.
This is an EXTREMELY complex system, involving multiple brain networks, structures, chemicals, immune cells, your endocrine system, and so much more.
I don’t have time to get into all of this today, but some of the key networks and areas of your attachment system include:
The Autonomic Nervous System, think your sympathetic and parasympathic nervous systems
The amygdala, your brain’s alarm system.
The Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) Axis, when attachment needs aren’t met, the HPA axis is activated, releasing cortisol, the stress hormone.
Oxytocin is generally called the love hormone, however, for those with attachment trauma, the brain’s oxytocin system may be less responsive, making it harder to feel secure in relationships.
Your Window of Tolerance
A well-regulated attachment system helps you stay within your window of tolerance—the optimal state where you can manage stress, connect with others, and think clearly.
When attachment trauma dysregulates your nervous system, you may find yourself outside this window:
Hyperarousal: Feeling anxious, panicked, or overly reactive (linked to anxious attachment).
Hypoarousal: Feeling numb, detached, or shut down (linked to avoidant attachment).
Alright, now that it’s abundantly clear that your attachment style isn’t just some mental framework, it’s one of the most important neurobiological developments in the history of our species (THE DRAMA, I know…) it’s time to dive into how these attachment styles affect our behavior at work!
Attachment Styles at Work
Just like in personal relationships, there are different ways people with different attachment styles might show up at work.
Let’s break each down!
Anxious Attachment: The People-Pleaser
If you have an anxious attachment style, you might be hyper-focused on how others perceive you.
At work, this often looks like:
Saying "yes" to every request, even when your plate is full.
Over-preparing for meetings to avoid criticism.
Taking on extra tasks to gain approval or reassurance.
Your brain is wired to seek safety through connection, but in a professional setting, this can translate to perfectionism and burnout.
For example, I worked with a software developer once, who would panic any time their manager skipped a one-on-one meeting. They immediately assume they’ve done something wrong and send a flurry of emails asking for reassurance. Even when the manager explained they were just swamped, he would continue to feel unsettled the rest of the day.
This is anxious attachment at work 101.
Avoidant Attachment: The Lone Wolf
Avoidant individuals tend to rely heavily on themselves and avoid vulnerability.
At work, you might:
Struggle to delegate tasks because “no one else will do it right.”
Avoid feedback or close collaboration, fearing dependency.
Feel uneasy with workplace friendships or emotional displays.
This self-reliance can lead to isolation and a sense of disconnection from your peeps at work.
Disorganized Attachment: The Rollercoaster
Disorganized attachment combines the fears of anxious and avoidant styles.
You might crave connection but simultaneously fear it.
At work, this could mean:
Swinging between people-pleasing and pulling back entirely.
Feeling unsure about your role or value in the workplace.
Experiencing intense reactions to perceived slights or misunderstandings.
I worked with a woman named Taylor once (name changed for privacy), she was a freelance graphic designer here in KC, who would alternate between over-promising on projects to please clients and then ghosting them when the pressure felt unbearable. She longed for praise but felt overwhelmed by the fear of criticism, creating a cycle of stress and avoidance.
Classic disorganized/anxious-avoidant attachment style behavior at work!
Secure Attachment: The Collaborative Leader
Finally, if you have a secure attachment style, you likely approach work with confidence, flexibility, and a strong sense of self-worth.
At work, this often looks like:
Effective Communication: You’re comfortable sharing your thoughts and listening to others’ perspectives without feeling defensive.
Healthy Boundaries: You can say “no” to excessive demands without guilt, prioritizing your well-being and workload balance.
Collaborative Mindset: You trust your team and delegate tasks effectively, knowing that collaboration enhances success.
Resilience to Feedback: Constructive criticism feels like an opportunity for growth, not a personal attack.
People with secure attachment styles tend to build positive workplace relationships and create environments where everyone feels valued and supported.
They model balance, demonstrating that success doesn’t have to come at the cost of well-being.
I put this one last to give you some hope.
What I just described is possible for everyone, because attachment styles aren’t life sentences!
Your nervous system, including your attachment system, is malleable.
Here are some ways to become more secure in your life, and at work!
Rewiring the Attachment System
What we’re looking for here are practices that target the nervous system, not just your mind.
Healing your attachment system is a whole mind, brain, and body process!
Here’s a couple places to start!
Social Connection & Co-Regulation
First and foremost, building healthy relationships where others can help regulate your emotions through supportive, consistent interactions is key.
Without healthy social interactions, your attachment system can never learn what “healthy” looks like or feels like!
Start with one single person. Get vulnerable with them. Share your attachment style with them, and what it means to you.
I bet if you ask them for help, they’d be down to support you!
Somatic Practices
Body-focused practices can help regulate your attachment system as well!
Grounding techniques, breathwork, or yoga to calm the nervous system and promote safety.
There are even therapeutic methods like Somatic Experiencing (SE) that can help you from your body up to your brain and mind. (Bottom Up Methods)
If you’d like to find a SE practitioner, here’s the directory:
Other Therapeutic Interventions
There are also therapeutic models like Internal Family Systems (IFS) that help heal the mind, brain, and body all at once.
Approaches like IFS, which I’m trained in, can help process attachment wounds on a nervous system level.
IFS also helps you form a healthy attachment with yourSELF first.
I’ve found that developing this relationship internally, and THEN going external is a much more effective route in healing attachment trauma.
Bottom line? Your attachment system is a powerful force, influencing how you relate to others and yourself.
And by understanding its roots in the nervous system, you can see that healing isn’t just about thinking differently—it’s about creating safety within your body and brain!
A New Relationship with Work
Healing attachment wounds doesn’t happen overnight, but with consistent effort, you can shift how you relate to work and others.
Imagine moving through your day with confidence, knowing that your worth isn’t tied to your output or others’ approval.
I hope that by understanding your attachment style and its impact, you can rewrite the script—and finally find the balance and fulfillment you deserve!
And until next time… Live Heroically 🧠
Supporting Research Section
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Schore, A. N. (2001). Effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1–2), 201–269.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton.
Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social baseline theory: The role of social proximity in emotion and economy of action. Psychological Review, 122(1), 22–38.
Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Carter, C. S. (2014). Oxytocin pathways and the evolution of human behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 65(1), 17–39.