The 5 Hidden Addictions Nobody Talks About 🧠
How Your Brain Turns Hidden Shame into Quiet Addictions, And How You Can Rewire It (9min Read)
TL;DR Summary
Addiction isn't limited to substances; 4 other things can become quietly addictive.
At the root of all addictions, including these hidden ones, is shame.
Neuroscience explains how shame activates survival circuits in your brain, reinforcing these addictions.
Using Internal Family Systems (IFS), you can compassionately rewire these shame-driven neural patterns.
Healing shame is challenging because it's socially reinforced and deeply embedded, but consistent compassion towards your protective parts can lead to lasting change.
It's Not Just About the Bottle
There are 5 hidden types of addictions, but most people only know about one of them.
Honestly, you might not even realize you’re addicted… because none of them look like a drug.
However, substances, like drugs, alcohol, caffeine, food, etc, are only one of the five addictions we’ll be talking about today.
And honestly, it’s the least addictive if you ask me.
Wild, right?
That is called foreshadowing, people.
In my time working with clients, I’ve seen all of them, and what I’m about to show you could completely reframe how you see addiction and how to heal what is at its root.
Once you understand the root of all 5 of these addictions, your ability to heal exponentially increases!
Today, we’re talking about these 5 addictions, their root, and, of course, some neuroscience and IFS tools to deal with them.
Let’s dive in.
Uncovering the Hidden Addictions
If you zoom out from substances, you’ll discover four powerful types of addiction quietly shaping your life: Activities, Thoughts, People, and Feelings.
Let’s break each of them down!
Activities: When Ambition Becomes Avoidance
Ever met someone who works relentlessly, exercises obsessively, or can’t stop "being productive"?
Maybe you are that someone, I know I am.
Society applauds ambition, but behind relentless activity is often hidden fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, pain, or worry.
Newsflash: You’re not ambitious… You're avoiding.
The constant activity masks feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness.
It feels safer to hustle than to sit quietly with your discomfort.
Plus, your brain is wired for reward, so each productive task or achieved milestone gives a dopamine rush, a small burst of "feel good" neurotransmitter in your nucleus accumbens.
But over time, your brain craves more hits, causing you to feel uneasy when you slow down or stop.
Putting you on the endless achievement treadmill, I find the vast majority of my clients on when we start working together.
This might sting, but there is not a single external achievement that’s going to make you feel enough or worthy on the inside, you can’t find this outside of your Self…
But more on that later, next up, thoughts!
Thoughts: When Your Mind Becomes the Problem
Now, picture someone who’s always worrying, judging, criticizing, catastrophizing, fantasizing, rationalizing, perfecting, or obsessively planning.
Thought addiction feels safer than emotion.
If you stay stuck in thought, you never have to actually feel the pain beneath it.
Meaning, you’re addicted to thinking as a way to avoid feeling.
Just because you’re avoiding it, doesn’t mean it’s not there, though.
Ignoring unprocessed trauma and baggage keeps your body in a constant state of low-level stress.
And just like a river eroded the Grand Canyon, this low-grade stress is eroding your mental, emotional, and physical health slowly over time.
These thinking Parts of people are some of my favorites to work with.
They’re oftentimes tired and scared, but very smart, and once you get to the core fear they’re protecting you from, they’re willing to relax back!
Next up, people.
People: When Connection Feels Like Survival
Then there’s the quiet addiction to other people.
Relationships, validation, approval, people pleasing, sex, codependency.
If your sense of self-worth is dependent on others’ approval, you’re essentially handing over your emotional remote control.
Why? Humans evolved as social creatures.
Rejection once meant literal death, so your amygdala, the brain’s alarm center, fires powerfully when you feel disconnected.
Approval seeking becomes your unconscious survival strategy, continually reinforcing the addictive loop of needing others to be okay for you to feel okay.
If you’re only okay when they’re okay… that’s not love.
That’s survival.
If your self-worth is dependent on something or someone outside of your Self, you’ve given away your agency.
People who do this, myself included, don’t realize this is child-like behavior.
When we are kids, we HAVE to depend on those outside of ourselves to stay safe, but we’re not kids anymore!
Alright, last but not least, feelings.
Feelings: When Suffering is Familiar Comfort
Anger. Hate. Grief. Guilt. Fear. Envy. Shame. Stress.
Not joy… Pain.
This can seem counterintuitive: who would choose painful feelings?
Yet, your brain values predictability, even painful predictability, above uncertainty.
This is why you sometimes recreate or perpetuate situations that cause familiar suffering.
Chaos and pain feel like home.
Your brain recognizes these states from early emotional experiences, wiring them deep within your nervous system.
You become addicted to these emotional states because you think they will keep you safe.
How could that be true, though?! Safer than calm, happiness, or confidence?
These are emotional states we’re not used to, they’re unfamiliar and feel uncertain to our brains.
Sadly, I’ve found that people stay stuck feeling terrible until the pain of staying stuck is worse than the fear of uncertainty.
Ever wonder why someone stays with an abusive partner for so long?
Now you don’t have to wonder.
Did you notice what was mentioned in all of these examples?
What was the common thread? The root?
If you said shame, you get some brownie points.
Let’s uproot this once and for all.
The Root of All Addiction: Shame
All five types of addiction, substances, activities, thoughts, people, and feelings, share a common root: shame.
Shame is the deeply internalized belief that something about you is fundamentally flawed or unworthy.
When you feel shame, your brain responds as if threatened, lighting up primitive panic circuits, particularly your amygdala and the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC), areas responsible for managing threats and social disconnection.
Early experiences of emotional neglect, abandonment, or criticism imprint shame deeply.
And shame hurts, so your nervous system finds whatever it can to numb, avoid, or distract from this feeling.
Simply put: Addiction isn’t about chasing pleasure; it’s about escaping shame.
Healing the Root with Neuroscience & Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Here's where neuroscience meets psychotherapy.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy beautifully complements neuroscience to address shame-based addictions.
IFS teaches you that your addictive behaviors are not enemies; they are protective "parts" trying desperately to shield you from feeling shame.
Instead of waging war on these parts, IFS helps you approach them with compassion, curiosity, and understanding.
When you turn toward these protective parts compassionately, your medial prefrontal cortex activates, calming your limbic stress circuits.
Shame diminishes, making addictive impulses softer and quieter.
Your nervous system learns it is safe to rest.
I get that this sounds magical and easy as you read it, but I can assure you that it is not.
Why Healing Shame Is Harder Than It Sounds
Let’s pause here and be real: this whole "heal shame with compassion" thing sounds beautifully simple in theory, right?
But in practice, it can feel overwhelmingly difficult.
If you've tried healing it before, you know shame doesn't just politely fade away; it kicks, screams, and stubbornly fights back.
This is because shame isn't just something you personally carry, it’s deeply embedded in society.
From the moment you're young, you're subtly (and sometimes overtly) taught your worthiness hinges on external approval, achievement, and performance.
Every time your parents praised your straight A's but ignored your feelings, every moment your boss rewarded your burnout, every social media post you compared yourself to…
These were micro-lessons teaching your nervous system that who you are, as you are, isn't enough.
Because shame is so socially reinforced, it's nearly impossible to simply "think" or "affirm" your way out of it.
When you first approach your internal parts compassionately, it can feel awkward, foreign, even foolish.
These protective parts developed their roles early, strongly, and with good reason.
They genuinely believe that keeping shame hidden beneath activity, productivity, worry, or people-pleasing is essential for your survival.
And remember: in evolutionary terms, your brain prioritizes safety above everything else.
Even when you're working to heal, these protective parts sense vulnerability, and their automatic response is often to amplify the very behaviors you're trying to soothe.
Why Your Protective Parts Fight Back
As you start healing shame with compassion, these protective parts may initially push back even harder, trying to remind you exactly why their strategies are necessary.
This is why people often "fail" to heal shame: at the first signs of resistance or intensified shame feelings, they assume they're doing something wrong and give up.
But this very resistance is actually evidence you're on the right track.
Your protective parts' intensified reactions simply mean they're feeling seen, challenged, and unsure if this compassionate alternative is truly safe.
They ramp up their defenses to test whether your new approach is trustworthy enough to rely on.
The real secret of IFS isn't in banishing shame forever; it's in repeatedly showing these protective parts they're safe enough to lower their guard, little by little.
It’s about consistency, patience, and gentle perseverance.
Over time, each small moment of compassionate self-awareness tells these fearful parts that their defenses are less and less necessary.
Eventually, your system integrates this compassion as a trusted way to manage shame, gradually loosening its tight grip on your behavior.
All this to say, yes, healing shame is hard precisely because shame is so deeply conditioned and widely reinforced.
But when you understand this struggle as normal and necessary, you’re already ahead of the game.
You're not broken or failing when resistance arises; you're in the thick of courageous healing.
And step by step, compassionate awareness really can help you heal the wounds you once thought impossible.
Great, Cody, but what’s step one?!
Great question.
Your First Step to Healing
I know healing shame isn’t easy, so here’s a simple practice to start rewiring your nervous system gently.
1. Notice & Name the Part
The moment you feel pulled into addictive behaviors, overthinking, overworking, or people-pleasing, pause briefly.
Recognize it clearly:
“This is a protective PART of me.”
2. Thank the Part for Its Intent
Remember, it's trying to shield you from shame.
Acknowledge its intention briefly:
“I see you're protecting me. Thank you.”
3. Offer Compassion & Gentle Reassurance
Place your hand softly on your chest, take a gentle breath, and say inwardly:
“I'm here now. You're not alone, and you don’t have to do this anymore.”
You might feel a small shift in your body, maybe warmth, a deeper breath, or relaxation.
That’s your nervous system responding to self-compassion.
Healing shame isn't about destroying protective parts.
It's about seeing them clearly, honoring their intent, and gently integrating them into your inner family.
Yes, shame will resist.
Your protective parts may push harder at first.
But each small, compassionate act teaches your nervous system a new truth: it's safe to rest, safe to be imperfect, and safe to heal.
Consistency, not perfection, is the key to rewiring this deeply rooted wound.
You've got this, and you deserve this freedom!
Choosing Self-Leadership
Healing hidden addictions and their shame-based roots is your path to freedom.
It’s not an overnight journey.
But by understanding your nervous system and beginning to offer yourself compassion instead of criticism, you start rewiring your brain.
You become less reactive, more present, and slowly begin to reclaim your true self.
The roots loosen, the branches soften.
Gradually, addiction turns into choice, and shame transforms into worthiness.
And you deserve nothing less.
Until next time… Live Heroically 🧠
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Supporting Research
Dearing, R. L., Stuewig, J., & Tangney, J. P. (2005). On the importance of distinguishing shame from guilt: Relations to problematic alcohol and drug use. Addictive Behaviors, 30(7), 1392-1404.
Lanius, R. A. (2010). The impact of early life trauma on emotion regulation: Neurobiological consequences and therapeutic implications. Guilford Press.
Maté, G. (2009). In the realm of hungry ghosts: Close encounters with addiction. North Atlantic Books.
Panksepp, J., & Biven, L. (2012). The archaeology of mind: Neuroevolutionary origins of human emotion. Norton.
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems Therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Volkow, N. D., Wise, R. A., & Baler, R. (2019). The dopamine motive system: Implications for drug and food addiction. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 20, 148-166.
Another great read, Cody.
This simple (not necessarily easy - facing our painful emotions never is) exercise to rewire hidden shame is powerful. The more I read your articles the more I want dive into IFS and add IFS to my client work. Thank you!
This is powerfully helpful for me. It was only just yesterday I realized the dynamic between my striving/acheiving part and the rest of the parts whom she leaps in to speak for, showing she's studied the IFS framework, has the correct answer at the ready, and can prove her worth by demonstrating competence with the framework and its logic.
Meanwhile, beneath, all this shame. It's shame over how supposedly I've been using this deity-conferred magic super-power of libertarian free will all this time to freely "choose" to not try harder and/or purposely choose to do evil.
I know now to work with this striving part, herself.
So, so helpful, Cody. Thank you!