This is great! I recently went on two dates with a guy who complained a lot about his ex. I was late for one of our dates and I could see the contempt in his eyes. He cared about what I wore. When he asked me if I wanted him to go home with me after 2 dates I said nooooo. He never contacted me again 😹 I feel happy and grateful
I’ve always advised people to assert or set a boundary very early on in communications with somebody. Say no to something, even if it’s small. Then watch how they react. Narcissist and other toxic types of people will take that boundary as a rejection or loss of control. An emotionally saved person will respect the boundary. The narcissist’s ego will get bruised and so they will push back.
I have recommended putting time between dates or even sometimes communication. "I will be busy tomorrow, but you could call me on Saturday." A good man will be okay with that. A narcissist love-bomber will see that as a loss of control and become frantic. Big tell!
This is such a thoughtful piece! Thank you! I especially appreciated the emphasis on character over chemistry, and on paying attention to how someone responds under stress rather than how they perform in moments designed to impress.
As I was reading, I kept coming back to a different question. Not just Who is this person? But
Who does my nervous system become in relationship with this person? Do I become more open or more guarded? More myself or less? Does this relationship increase both of our capacities for repair, accountability, and care? For me, the safest relationship isn't the one with the fewest red flags. It's the one where two people consistently help one another become safer places to land.
That feels less like compatibility and more like the ethics of love. LOVE THIS!
Great article but I think you missed a huge point: does this person take genuine interest in you as a human being, not just what you can offer that person? I had to break off a long time relationship with someone that was so cold and indifferent to me. He didn’t ask me one question about myself the entire first date. He didn’t even know my eye color after seeing my face every day for 5 years at that point.
Yes. How a man treats a restaurant waiter or personnel is quite often a reliable tell regarding his character and empathy towards others. And people shouldn't make a big deal splitting hairs. It's usually obvious. If he is unusually controlling and degrading, that is a huge red flag.
My sister's husband is like this. And it got to the point where I did not want to go out to dinner with them anymore.
It's all good unless you have the rare good fortune to meet your soulmate. Warts and all. Insanely intense love, but there was a drinking problem. I moved out but kept a relationship with boundaries. He quit drinking, I said stay sober for a year and I'll marry you. Celebrated 35 years of marriage last August. In sickness and health, 100% committed.
I think it’s important to recognize that some people will continue the charm until they “lock down” the person so it can be difficult to spot the red flags until they’re ready to reveal themselves and then you might feel trapped.
I am glad that you included the one about breaking things. It’s really important to understand that violence like that can be intended to intimidate and frighten so the trapped person engages in fawning behaviors. Also, on that theme of fawning, someone can respond to the world being against them not with anger but with pouting and being sulky or something less violent than anger if they know anger is intimidating to the partner. This can be done to motivate the partner to make those inconveniences less common in the other person’s life. So this is one was of using cognitive empathy to manipulate a partner without it seeming abusive.
I’ve lived most of these, in my ill-fated marriage. We were together for more than forty years. In that time, I made a lot of excuses for his concerning behaviors — his bursts of anger, his avoidance, his blaming of others for his own failures, his lack of empathy. But I remember back when we were living together, maybe two years into our relationship. He threw a wrench at the wall, hard enough to break the plaster and leave a large hole. I should have left him then.
What hit me hard in this list was number 6. My spouse lacked affective empathy. There were things I experienced that should have made him feel deeply. Instead, I was an annoyance.
When my husband did something similar, a bowl that narrowly missed my toddler grandson's head before it hit the wall and shattered, I called the police. I suspected mental health issues, and asked them to take him to the hospital, where he stayed in the mental health ward for three days and left with a bipolar diagnosis. He has been under the care of a psychiatrist ever since. The bipolar diagnosis was incorrect, current one is CPTSD and ADHD. He had been to therapists before I met him, and has a great one now. I stay because he doesn't like being this way and is constantly working on himself. And other than the difficult symptoms, we have had a wonderful life together.
I know a woman who tried to repair her marriage for years, while her husband “dealt” with his issues (repeatedly failing, always promising to try again). She decided to leave after witnessing his behavior while he was in a state of severe dysregulation. He was later diagnosed with a psychiatric condition that explained a lot of things, but it was clear to her that he was not safe for her or for her child.
You are good to support your husband through this. The most important thing is that you and your child feel safe. Are safe.
Fascinating article, and I learned a lot that I did not even imagine was possible. I could see this being both male- or female-focused, although it has perhaps been studied more on the male side.
Honestly, one question for women came up that was not asked: Why be in a relationship at all? Meaning, this all feels a little complicated, more than any of us needed when we were living to 35 and focused on reproduction and legacy.
Why would anyone choose a relationship if these 7 things were even possible?
I used to think I was pretty good at spotting these until last year. And I fell for it hard. You nailed it on every single one of these. You can't quite understand it until you've experienced it! Thanks for writing this out so plainly that it can help others not fall for it or get out faster!
Edit to add: IT'S ALWAYS A MAN that HAS TO pipe up and whinge that it's "not all men." Sir, a hit dog will holler. Clearly you're the most egregious of the lot if you feel the need to defend yourself to me, an internet stranger. NONE of you will convince that it's not all men.
In fairness, I was raised by two people with most of these traits. It wasn’t gender limited. That said, I also dated several male crapweasels with these tells.
As someone who has lived with, loved, fostered, and been rescued by many animals over the years, that saying is not really accurate. A dog hit often enough or badly enough tends to learn not to holler but to cower. Some never lose the flinch. Humans aren’t that different, which is one reason why questions like, “Why didn’t you scream?” “Why didn’t you report it?” and “Why didn’t you leave?” are so cruel to survivors.
Nope. NONE of you are worth it. NO MAN is worth giving them a chance. You men steal SO MUCH of our time, money, and energy.
Knock it off with your "not all men." I have found that those men who bleat this "not all men" bullshit are some of the MOST EGREGIOUS of men out there.
Thank you Cody...excellent article. My ex displayed all 7 signs. One of the last things he said to me was "I loved you for what you did for me and my kids"...quite telling....
There is an element to this that a lot of women overlook, too. We WANT it to work, so we rearrange and reword and recalibrate what we're seeing so we can JUSTIFY staying. The love-bombing works because we WANT it to, and that's why the inevitable cut-off hurts so much, and why we chase so hard when it's gone. We have to recognize that pattern in ourselves and ask a hard question: Why do I want this to work so much? When red flags are waving all around us, why do we do the heavy lifting to make it okay to stay?
What happened to me that makes me need this love, even when it's not love anymore?
I think that's when women take the blinders off and see the ugly truth. And that's when we change.
This is an interesting and informative article. It highlights several traits that can be particularly damaging in a loving relationship: contempt, an inability to admit wrongdoing, love-bombing intensity, jealousy disguised as care, chronic anger toward the world, cognitive understanding without affective empathy, how a person treats others, whether they actively engage with you, and whether their actions consistently match their words.
While this is important advice for women, these behaviours are not exclusive to men or to romantic relationships. They are often signs of early disturbances in love, belonging, and emotional security. The same patterns can appear in families, friendships, and even in the ways we relate to our children.
At its core, the issue is not simply poor relationship skills but a deeper struggle with respect, self-worth, and connection. When we lack a healthy relationship with ourselves, we may overlook these signs because we are searching outside ourselves for the love and belonging we have not fully recognised within. Disturbed self-love can make unhealthy behaviour seem familiar, tolerable, or even attractive.
By strengthening self-love, we strengthen our boundaries. We can hold compassion for those who struggle to love well, while still saying no to disrespect. Compassion does not require self-abandonment.
This is great! I recently went on two dates with a guy who complained a lot about his ex. I was late for one of our dates and I could see the contempt in his eyes. He cared about what I wore. When he asked me if I wanted him to go home with me after 2 dates I said nooooo. He never contacted me again 😹 I feel happy and grateful
You likely dodged a bullet.
I think you are right! 😌
I’ve always advised people to assert or set a boundary very early on in communications with somebody. Say no to something, even if it’s small. Then watch how they react. Narcissist and other toxic types of people will take that boundary as a rejection or loss of control. An emotionally saved person will respect the boundary. The narcissist’s ego will get bruised and so they will push back.
I have recommended putting time between dates or even sometimes communication. "I will be busy tomorrow, but you could call me on Saturday." A good man will be okay with that. A narcissist love-bomber will see that as a loss of control and become frantic. Big tell!
This is such a thoughtful piece! Thank you! I especially appreciated the emphasis on character over chemistry, and on paying attention to how someone responds under stress rather than how they perform in moments designed to impress.
As I was reading, I kept coming back to a different question. Not just Who is this person? But
Who does my nervous system become in relationship with this person? Do I become more open or more guarded? More myself or less? Does this relationship increase both of our capacities for repair, accountability, and care? For me, the safest relationship isn't the one with the fewest red flags. It's the one where two people consistently help one another become safer places to land.
That feels less like compatibility and more like the ethics of love. LOVE THIS!
“The Ethics of Love” is a new one for me. I’ll remember that.,
Great article but I think you missed a huge point: does this person take genuine interest in you as a human being, not just what you can offer that person? I had to break off a long time relationship with someone that was so cold and indifferent to me. He didn’t ask me one question about myself the entire first date. He didn’t even know my eye color after seeing my face every day for 5 years at that point.
Yes. How a man treats a restaurant waiter or personnel is quite often a reliable tell regarding his character and empathy towards others. And people shouldn't make a big deal splitting hairs. It's usually obvious. If he is unusually controlling and degrading, that is a huge red flag.
My sister's husband is like this. And it got to the point where I did not want to go out to dinner with them anymore.
It's all good unless you have the rare good fortune to meet your soulmate. Warts and all. Insanely intense love, but there was a drinking problem. I moved out but kept a relationship with boundaries. He quit drinking, I said stay sober for a year and I'll marry you. Celebrated 35 years of marriage last August. In sickness and health, 100% committed.
I think it’s important to recognize that some people will continue the charm until they “lock down” the person so it can be difficult to spot the red flags until they’re ready to reveal themselves and then you might feel trapped.
I am glad that you included the one about breaking things. It’s really important to understand that violence like that can be intended to intimidate and frighten so the trapped person engages in fawning behaviors. Also, on that theme of fawning, someone can respond to the world being against them not with anger but with pouting and being sulky or something less violent than anger if they know anger is intimidating to the partner. This can be done to motivate the partner to make those inconveniences less common in the other person’s life. So this is one was of using cognitive empathy to manipulate a partner without it seeming abusive.
I’ve lived most of these, in my ill-fated marriage. We were together for more than forty years. In that time, I made a lot of excuses for his concerning behaviors — his bursts of anger, his avoidance, his blaming of others for his own failures, his lack of empathy. But I remember back when we were living together, maybe two years into our relationship. He threw a wrench at the wall, hard enough to break the plaster and leave a large hole. I should have left him then.
What hit me hard in this list was number 6. My spouse lacked affective empathy. There were things I experienced that should have made him feel deeply. Instead, I was an annoyance.
I should have seen it coming. I didn’t.
When my husband did something similar, a bowl that narrowly missed my toddler grandson's head before it hit the wall and shattered, I called the police. I suspected mental health issues, and asked them to take him to the hospital, where he stayed in the mental health ward for three days and left with a bipolar diagnosis. He has been under the care of a psychiatrist ever since. The bipolar diagnosis was incorrect, current one is CPTSD and ADHD. He had been to therapists before I met him, and has a great one now. I stay because he doesn't like being this way and is constantly working on himself. And other than the difficult symptoms, we have had a wonderful life together.
I know a woman who tried to repair her marriage for years, while her husband “dealt” with his issues (repeatedly failing, always promising to try again). She decided to leave after witnessing his behavior while he was in a state of severe dysregulation. He was later diagnosed with a psychiatric condition that explained a lot of things, but it was clear to her that he was not safe for her or for her child.
You are good to support your husband through this. The most important thing is that you and your child feel safe. Are safe.
That toddler, my grandson, is 27 now! He and my daughter lived with us until he was 7 and she felt financially ready to get an apartment of her own.
Fascinating article, and I learned a lot that I did not even imagine was possible. I could see this being both male- or female-focused, although it has perhaps been studied more on the male side.
Honestly, one question for women came up that was not asked: Why be in a relationship at all? Meaning, this all feels a little complicated, more than any of us needed when we were living to 35 and focused on reproduction and legacy.
Why would anyone choose a relationship if these 7 things were even possible?
I used to think I was pretty good at spotting these until last year. And I fell for it hard. You nailed it on every single one of these. You can't quite understand it until you've experienced it! Thanks for writing this out so plainly that it can help others not fall for it or get out faster!
and sometimes it’s hard to identify while experiencing it because it’s so hard to look at
If only I'd read this decades ago.... You put so much into context. Thank you
Ahhhh contempt. Yes. It can be delivered coded or just not denied.
Thrice trump voter asked me out. I asked if he thought trump was racist/sexist. He answered racist no, sexist yes.
I said I wouldn't date a guy who didn't think I was equal. He never denied he didn't think I was equal. Casual. Natural. Instinctual.
When you know, you know.
Thank goodness it ended at the early stage! That would've been in endless misery...
We've known each other for years. Translation: I've known what he was for years. If there is no starting line, nothing to start.
I'm cool with anyone who thinks differently. I just choose my distance.
Men
Men
Men
Men
Men
Men
and last but not least, men.
Y'all ain't worth the grief.
Edit to add: IT'S ALWAYS A MAN that HAS TO pipe up and whinge that it's "not all men." Sir, a hit dog will holler. Clearly you're the most egregious of the lot if you feel the need to defend yourself to me, an internet stranger. NONE of you will convince that it's not all men.
IT IS **ALL** MEN.
In fairness, I was raised by two people with most of these traits. It wasn’t gender limited. That said, I also dated several male crapweasels with these tells.
"A hit dog will holler."
There is NO convincing me it's not all men. IT IS ALL MEN.
As someone who has lived with, loved, fostered, and been rescued by many animals over the years, that saying is not really accurate. A dog hit often enough or badly enough tends to learn not to holler but to cower. Some never lose the flinch. Humans aren’t that different, which is one reason why questions like, “Why didn’t you scream?” “Why didn’t you report it?” and “Why didn’t you leave?” are so cruel to survivors.
You're lucky there's no down vote on substack. What a incredibly condescending comment.
Nope. NONE of you are worth it. NO MAN is worth giving them a chance. You men steal SO MUCH of our time, money, and energy.
Knock it off with your "not all men." I have found that those men who bleat this "not all men" bullshit are some of the MOST EGREGIOUS of men out there.
Thank you Cody...excellent article. My ex displayed all 7 signs. One of the last things he said to me was "I loved you for what you did for me and my kids"...quite telling....
There is an element to this that a lot of women overlook, too. We WANT it to work, so we rearrange and reword and recalibrate what we're seeing so we can JUSTIFY staying. The love-bombing works because we WANT it to, and that's why the inevitable cut-off hurts so much, and why we chase so hard when it's gone. We have to recognize that pattern in ourselves and ask a hard question: Why do I want this to work so much? When red flags are waving all around us, why do we do the heavy lifting to make it okay to stay?
What happened to me that makes me need this love, even when it's not love anymore?
I think that's when women take the blinders off and see the ugly truth. And that's when we change.
This is an interesting and informative article. It highlights several traits that can be particularly damaging in a loving relationship: contempt, an inability to admit wrongdoing, love-bombing intensity, jealousy disguised as care, chronic anger toward the world, cognitive understanding without affective empathy, how a person treats others, whether they actively engage with you, and whether their actions consistently match their words.
While this is important advice for women, these behaviours are not exclusive to men or to romantic relationships. They are often signs of early disturbances in love, belonging, and emotional security. The same patterns can appear in families, friendships, and even in the ways we relate to our children.
At its core, the issue is not simply poor relationship skills but a deeper struggle with respect, self-worth, and connection. When we lack a healthy relationship with ourselves, we may overlook these signs because we are searching outside ourselves for the love and belonging we have not fully recognised within. Disturbed self-love can make unhealthy behaviour seem familiar, tolerable, or even attractive.
By strengthening self-love, we strengthen our boundaries. We can hold compassion for those who struggle to love well, while still saying no to disrespect. Compassion does not require self-abandonment.