The Real Reason Your Relationships Feel Like a Tug-of-War: The Anxious-Avoidant Loop 🧠
Discover why you cling, why they pull away, and how to heal the cycle for good. (10min Read)
TL;DR Summary:
The anxious-avoidant loop is a dynamic where one person pursues closeness (anxious) while the other withdraws (avoidant), creating a painful cycle.
Neuroscience reveals that attachment styles are rooted in how your brain wires for connection and protection during early life experiences.
This loop is fueled by nervous system dysregulation, fear of vulnerability, and conflicting attachment needs.
Breaking free requires nervous system regulation, awareness of your patterns, and cultivating secure attachment behaviors.
The Anxious-Avoidant Loop: What It Is and Why It Hurts
Have you ever been caught in a relationship where one of you chases connection while the other pulls away?
It feels like an emotional game of tug-of-war that never ends.
You both want connection, but every time you try to reach each other, the gap somehow widens.
This is the anxious-avoidant loop—a well-studied dynamic in attachment psychology.
At its core, it’s the push-and-pull of two opposing attachment strategies: the anxious partner’s need for closeness and reassurance colliding with the avoidant partner’s fear of being engulfed or losing independence.
Let’s unravel what’s really happening in this loop and how your brain and nervous system are wired to keep you stuck in it.
How the Loop Works (And Why You Can’t Break It)
The anxious-avoidant loop thrives on mismatched attachment strategies.
The anxious partner craves connection like oxygen.
When they feel distance, their brain interprets it as a threat to emotional safety.
They often pursue with intensity—texting, calling, asking for reassurance—hoping to feel secure.
The avoidant partner fears vulnerability.
When closeness begins to feel overwhelming, their brain flags it as a loss of autonomy or potential for emotional pain.
They withdraw, creating distance to self-soothe.
This triggers the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment, which makes them pursue harder.
The avoidant partner, feeling smothered, withdraws further.
And round and round it goes… Yikes.
So, what’s going on upstairs while all of this is happening?
Let’s find out.
The Neuroscience of Attachment in the Anxious-Avoidant Loop
The anxious-avoidant loop is deeply rooted in attachment theory and has a fascinating neurobiological basis.
Neuroimaging studies and neuroscientific research reveal distinct brain patterns that fuel the behaviors and emotional dynamics of anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
Anxious Attachment: A Brain on High Alert
Imagine your brain as a watchtower, scanning the horizon for danger.
For someone with an anxious attachment style, the watchtower is overstaffed and hyperactive, flagging every small cloud as a potential storm.
This hypervigilance makes emotional intensity feel dialed up to 11, even when the situation might not warrant it.
Let’s break it down with this watchtower metaphor!
Overestimating Emotional Threats (The PCC as a Watchtower Alarm)
One part of the brain, the posterior cingulate cortex (PCC), is like the radar operator in the watchtower.
It constantly checks for signals of disconnection.
In anxious attachment, this radar amplifies even the faintest signals, interpreting minor relational shifts as major threats.
This is why an unanswered text can feel catastrophic—it’s the brain’s alarm system misfiring.
Super-Sensitive Threat Detection (PCC and Fusiform Gyrus)
The brain’s threat detection system is also on overdrive, like having a smoke detector that goes off every time you light a candle.
The PCC’s connection to the fusiform gyrus—a part of the brain that recognizes faces and emotional cues—makes anxious individuals hyperaware of small signs that their partner might pull away.
A subtle change in tone or a distracted look can feel like a sign of impending rejection.
This is why lots of anxiously attached people consider themselves empaths, their brain is fine-tuned and hyper-aware of even the tiniest shifts in others.
The Amygdala: Emotional Alarm Bells Ring Loud
The amygdala, the brain’s emotional fire alarm, is overreactive in anxious attachment.
It treats even small relational shifts as a conflagration.
Meanwhile, the insula, the part of the brain that helps you notice what’s happening in your body (like a racing heart), is also overactive.
This combination creates an overwhelming sense of urgency, making you acutely aware of every emotional ripple in your relationship.
A Nervous System Stuck in Fight-or-Flight Mode
The anxious brain recruits the body’s fight-or-flight system (the sympathetic nervous system) to deal with these perceived threats.
This keeps your stress hormones high, making it hard to calm down or think clearly.
Imagine driving a car with the accelerator stuck—it’s exhausting and leaves you feeling out of control.
I’m going into such detail on these to help you build an empathy bridge with your anxiously attached friends, family, and partners.
For them, it’s terrifying, and to them, it’s 911.
They’re like a little kid who is lost in a busy city at night time all alone in the dark, with no one to calm them down.
More on this little kid inside them in a minute, let’s break down the other half now!
Avoidant Attachment: A Brain on Lockdown
Now picture a fortress with thick walls and a drawbridge that’s almost always up.
For someone with an avoidant attachment style, their brain acts like this fortress—designed to keep emotional vulnerability out.
Instead of hyperactivation, avoidant attachment is all about shutting down and staying safe behind those walls.
Shifting Attention Away from Emotions (The Fortress Guards)
Parts of the brain, like the lingual gyrus and postcentral gyrus, act like guards at the fortress gates, redirecting attention away from emotional cues and back to practical, sensory information.
This is why avoidant individuals often seem cool or detached—they’re unconsciously shifting focus to something that feels less threatening than emotional connection.
Difficulty Processing Emotional Closeness (Doors to the Fortress Stay Shut)
The orbital frontal cortex and inferior temporal gyrus—key players in understanding emotions and social cues—are quieter in avoidant attachment.
It’s as if the doors to the fortress are locked, making it hard for these individuals to engage fully in moments of emotional closeness.
A Brain Wired for Distance (Low Oxytocin and GABA)
Avoidant attachment is tied to low levels of oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”) and GABA (a calming neurotransmitter).
Without these soothing signals, avoidant individuals can feel uneasy or threatened by intimacy.
It’s like trying to bond without the glue—it feels fragile and risky.
Altered dopamine levels also keep them from finding emotional closeness as rewarding, making withdrawal their go-to strategy.
Wild, right?!
A Nervous System Stuck in Shutdown Mode
While anxious attachment revs up the nervous system, avoidant attachment leans the other way, suppressing the parasympathetic “rest and digest” system.
This makes it hard for avoidant individuals to relax into connection.
It’s like keeping the drawbridge permanently raised—safe, but at the cost of true connection.
The Role of the Amygdala in Both Styles
You’re probably wondering about the ole amygdala, and it does have a role, but every “social media scientist” talks about this one.
So, I wanted to get a little deeper, and show you that it’s a network of regions that lead to these outward behaviors, not just one single brain area first.
That being said, the amygdala does play a key role in driving both attachment styles, but in different ways.
For anxious people, it overreacts to emotional stimuli, amplifying fears of abandonment.
For avoidant individuals, the amygdala still responds to attachment cues but is overridden by logical areas like parts of the pre-frontal cortex, that suppress emotional engagement, leading to withdrawal.
The Self-Perpetuating Cycle
These neurobiological patterns create a nasty feedback loop that lots of couples find themselves in.
The anxious partner’s heightened emotional sensitivity drives pursuit, intensifying the avoidant partner’s discomfort and withdrawal.
The avoidant partner’s suppressed emotional engagement reinforces the anxious partner’s fears of rejection, escalating their pursuit behaviors.
Both nervous systems are dysregulated in opposite directions—anxious partners are hyperaroused, while avoidant partners are hypoaroused—fueling the push-and-pull dynamic that keeps the loop alive.
Where Do These Attachment Styles Come From?
By now, you’re probably wondering where on earth this loop comes from, and how is it beneficial to us as a species?!
Great questions, there are a few answers!
Attachment styles don’t appear out of nowhere—they’re shaped by your earliest relationships and reinforced throughout your life.
Whether you lean anxious or avoidant, these patterns are rooted in how your brain and body adapted to your caregivers and environment during childhood.
Here’s how each attachment style develops and why it’s important to approach both with empathy.
Anxious Attachment: A Need for Reassurance
Anxious attachment often starts in childhood when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes attentive, sometimes unavailable.
Imagine a child reaching out for comfort but not knowing if they’ll be met with warmth or indifference.
The brain learns that connection is unpredictable, and as a survival mechanism, it hyperfocuses on maintaining relationships at all costs.
How it Gets Reinforced
Over time, this child grows into an adult who feels overly responsible for making relationships work.
The brain interprets any distance or conflict as a sign of rejection, reinforcing the need to cling harder to avoid abandonment.
Trauma, such as neglect or emotional inconsistency, can amplify this fear, making emotional safety feel constantly out of reach.
Anxious individuals aren’t “too needy”—they’re simply wired to work overtime to secure connection because, for them, connection once felt uncertain or even life-saving.
Avoidant Attachment: A Need for Self-Reliance
Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers are emotionally distant, dismissive, or overwhelmed themselves.
Imagine a child expressing distress, only to be ignored or told to “toughen up.”
Their brain learns that vulnerability isn’t safe and that self-reliance is the only way to stay protected.
How it Gets Reinforced
As this child grows up, they learn to suppress their emotional needs and rely on themselves.
Vulnerability feels threatening, so they build walls to keep others from getting too close.
Life experiences, such as betrayals or emotionally intense relationships, may further validate their belief that staying detached is safer than risking intimacy.
Avoidant individuals aren’t “cold” or “uncaring”—their behavior is a protective strategy learned in environments where their emotional needs aren’t met or valued.
Breaking the Cycle: Can You Rewire Your Brain and Patterns?
Good news: You can absolutely break free from the anxious-avoidant loop.
But it requires effort, self-awareness, and tools to regulate your nervous system.
Here are a few of my favorites!
Learning to Self-Regulate
For anxious partners, this means practicing grounding techniques to soothe the amygdala’s alarm bells.
Tool: 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
Try this grounding exercise to help calm the amygdala by bringing you back to the present moment, it’s called the 5-4-3-2-1 technique.
How to Do It:
Identify 5 things you can see around you.
Identify 4 things you can physically feel (e.g., the chair beneath you, your hands on your lap).
Identify 3 things you can hear.
Identify 2 things you can smell (or imagine smells you like).
Identify 1 thing you can taste (or take a sip of water).
This process redirects your focus from emotional overwhelm to sensory input, which helps quiet the brain’s alarm system and calm the fight-or-flight response.
For avoidant partners, it’s about staying present during moments of discomfort rather than shutting down.
Tool: The "Stop, Drop, and Stay" Method
Avoidant partners tend to mentally or emotionally "check out" during moments of vulnerability.
The Stop, Drop & Stay Method can help you stay present without feeling overwhelmed by practicing mindful engagement.
How to Do It:
Stop: When you notice the urge to withdraw—whether it’s zoning out during a conversation or feeling the need to leave emotionally—pause instead of pulling away.
Drop: Drop into the present moment by focusing on your breath or the physical sensations in your body (e.g., your feet on the floor, the rhythm of your breathing).
Stay: Stay with the discomfort for 30 seconds, reminding yourself it’s temporary. Practice saying, “It’s okay to feel this. I don’t have to run from it.”
Over time, this practice rewires your nervous system to tolerate and even lean into emotional closeness, making vulnerability feel less threatening.
Understand Your Triggers
Next up, both sides need to understand their triggers!
Ask yourself:
What situations activate your pursuit (if you’re anxious) or withdrawal (if you’re avoidant)?
How do these reactions trace back to early attachment experiences?
How old do you feel when you’re anxious or withdrawing?
These are great to process with a coach or therapist as well!
Practice Secure Attachment Behaviors
Surprise, surprise, there is also something known as Secure Attachment!
This means both of you can have a shared goal in mind, even when it’s scary for either side.
That means a future where open communication and expressing needs without blame is possible!
Start small:
Instead of saying, “You never want to be close to me,” try, “I feel disconnected right now and want to share what’s on my mind.”
Instead of withdrawing completely, say, “I need a little space right now, but I’ll come back to this conversation later.”
The Emotional Seesaw
A metaphor that helps a lot of the people I work with is the emotional seesaw, so I’ll leave you with it today!
Take a minute and imagine the anxious-avoidant loop as a seesaw.
When one side pushes up (pursuit), the other side automatically pushes down (withdrawal).
The more force either side applies, the more unstable the system becomes.
Breaking this loop is about learning how to gently balance the seesaw by moving toward the center together, where connection feels safe and stable.
A New Path Forward
The anxious-avoidant loop may feel inescapable, but it’s really just an outdated survival pattern your brain and body learned long ago.
By understanding the neuroscience and psychology behind it, you can interrupt the cycle and create the secure, stable relationships you crave.
Healing this pattern starts with awareness and ends with small, steady steps toward connection—both with yourself and your partner.
I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m saying it’s possible and totally worth it!
Secure, healthy attachment feels amazing, and is one of the best shared experiences we humans get during our time here on earth!
Until next time… Live Heroically 🧠
Supporting Research
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. Guilford Press.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. Norton & Company.
Coan, J. A., Schaefer, H. S., & Davidson, R. J. (2006). Lending a hand: Social regulation of the neural response to threat. Psychological Science, 17(12), 1032–1039.
Gillath, O., & Karantzas, G. (2019). Attachment theory and research: New directions and emerging themes. Academic Press.
Diamond, L. M., Hicks, A. M., & Otter-Henderson, K. D. (2008). Physiological evidence for repressive coping among avoidantly attached adults. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 25(3), 411-429.
Schore, A. N. (2001). The effects of a secure attachment relationship on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 7-66.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why our brains are wired to connect. Crown Publishers.