I have empathy for them. AND… If they want to be in a long term relationship with commitment, they need to work on this. Unless, just to do not bring someone into this. I believe that being in a relationship = responsibilities.
I am on the other side. Was. The impact of being with an extremely avoidant person on my nervous system is huge. Love is not enough. Choice and consistency is required.
A long term relationship with commitment is often the last thing someone with avoidant issues wants. And if you don’t want the entanglements of being with someone who has avoidant problems, don’t have a long term relationship with them. Sometimes it’s best just to have empathy
So those displaying the avoidant reaction feel things too? 😅🤯 For the first time I am experiencing genuine empathy towards those patterns in other people, as until now It's appeared to me like a numb indifference and others writing about it has mostly offered empathy towards "my side of the story".
Thank you for most refreshing content on the topic I've come across!
So happy to hear that! All adults are just kids running around in costumes. Doesn't excuse their behavior, but I'm glad it's allowed you to create an empathy bridge with them. When I was able to do that, my healing accelerated rapidly!
The complications are rarely this cut and dry, though I whole-heartedly appreciate how this essay can jump-start the realizations that one needs to begin to break away from their anxious/avoidant behaviours. I tend to be both. I am anxious in the beginning and avoidant when things get to be "too much". My nervous system flip-flops depending on it's perceived role in the relationship. Love me, but not too much. I love you so much, why can't you deal with me? It's emotional whiplash that, thankfully, I have learned to navigate in a more positive manner as the years have passed. It will never be perfect and that's just MY side of things. When another person(s) become involved things inevitably become more complicated. Communication with yourself and communicating your people are paramount in sustaining a (hopefully) growing relationship. Thank you for posting this. What a wonderful launchpad to dig deeper into ourselves and each other with a clearer glass to look through.💖💖💖
Thanks for sharing! You may enjoy my blog about Disorganized Attachment that I've got coming out soon. Similar to this one, but focusing on a different attachment style!
Very interesting. What would you say about someone that seems to flick between anxious and avoidant...e.g very anxious in the early days needing validation/worrying about space but then once the connection has stabilised more and there's security there becoming more avoidant as demands increase?
Yes - I agree that an avoidant needs to take responsibility for their healing so they can stop hurting others. Just like I need/needed to take responsibility for healing my toxic codependency learned in a narcissistic dysfunctional home. Best to have empathy - or not - from a distance. ✨
I have empathy for them. AND… If they want to be in a long term relationship with commitment, they need to work on this. Unless, just to do not bring someone into this. I believe that being in a relationship = responsibilities.
Totally agree, understanding their behavior doesn't justify doing nothing about it!
What about when it happens as an adult? And you have to navigate it within a long-term relationship?
Which side of the equation are you on? Like you're the avoidant leaning one or your partner is?
I am on the other side. Was. The impact of being with an extremely avoidant person on my nervous system is huge. Love is not enough. Choice and consistency is required.
I’m the avoidant
A long term relationship with commitment is often the last thing someone with avoidant issues wants. And if you don’t want the entanglements of being with someone who has avoidant problems, don’t have a long term relationship with them. Sometimes it’s best just to have empathy
So those displaying the avoidant reaction feel things too? 😅🤯 For the first time I am experiencing genuine empathy towards those patterns in other people, as until now It's appeared to me like a numb indifference and others writing about it has mostly offered empathy towards "my side of the story".
Thank you for most refreshing content on the topic I've come across!
So happy to hear that! All adults are just kids running around in costumes. Doesn't excuse their behavior, but I'm glad it's allowed you to create an empathy bridge with them. When I was able to do that, my healing accelerated rapidly!
Your material is so right on. It resonates deeply within me as truth. Thank you for seeing me.
So happy to hear that, Jill! Thank you!
The complications are rarely this cut and dry, though I whole-heartedly appreciate how this essay can jump-start the realizations that one needs to begin to break away from their anxious/avoidant behaviours. I tend to be both. I am anxious in the beginning and avoidant when things get to be "too much". My nervous system flip-flops depending on it's perceived role in the relationship. Love me, but not too much. I love you so much, why can't you deal with me? It's emotional whiplash that, thankfully, I have learned to navigate in a more positive manner as the years have passed. It will never be perfect and that's just MY side of things. When another person(s) become involved things inevitably become more complicated. Communication with yourself and communicating your people are paramount in sustaining a (hopefully) growing relationship. Thank you for posting this. What a wonderful launchpad to dig deeper into ourselves and each other with a clearer glass to look through.💖💖💖
Thanks for sharing! You may enjoy my blog about Disorganized Attachment that I've got coming out soon. Similar to this one, but focusing on a different attachment style!
It’s far too complicated
Which part?
Very interesting. What would you say about someone that seems to flick between anxious and avoidant...e.g very anxious in the early days needing validation/worrying about space but then once the connection has stabilised more and there's security there becoming more avoidant as demands increase?
This is so interesting - I’ve been researching the Avoidant Discard lately and it’s been so interesting! https://malleeka.substack.com/p/the-avoidant-discard-when-someones
Thank you so much for this. This is so helpful.
Yes - I agree that an avoidant needs to take responsibility for their healing so they can stop hurting others. Just like I need/needed to take responsibility for healing my toxic codependency learned in a narcissistic dysfunctional home. Best to have empathy - or not - from a distance. ✨