One of the best things my therapist ever taught me was to sit through the silence. Those who are anxiously, attached tend to over, engaged as a self regulation, strategy, putting you at risk of attaching to someone who is unsafe. I learned how to white knuckle the silent moments, distract myself, etc., and the person ended up showing their true colors.
I've read about this but I really enjoyed how you described it. Although I was shocked to see that up to 50% of people have a secure attachment style...it leaves me wondering why I can probably count the ones I've known on one hand. I'm drawn to the chemistry and intensity...definitely disorganized attachment issues...I used to pull away when I had big feelings. I finally have what I consider to be a securely attached relationship but not entirely sure my entire system has become "secure." Does that make sense?
Secure attachment is the refusal to act as the system’s enforcement officer. In a culture obsessed with shaving off a child’s jagged edges for the sake of standardized performance, real security is found in the parent who rejects the mask. It’s moving from being the judge of their ‘behavior’ to the guardian of their actual neurological capacity. The system sees defiance; attachment sees an SOS.
It’s unfortunate that we aren’t taught these things about ourselves earlier on like in high school. It’s so needed to know how to navigate relationships better.
The most disorienting part is realising you spent years mistaking anxious attachment for passion and avoidant behaviour for mystery. Secure attachment felt boring at first ..because there was no drama to decode. Learning to recognise safety as attractive rather than suspicious… that’s the real work nobody talks about 🙌
This 🔥 brought light to something I have been refusing to face and admit, facing the discomfort of uncertainty and trusting I will have the capacity to handle anything that comes 😭😭😭
Easy to read non clinical article on attachment. Thank you for writing this, it’s always nice to read what other have to share on attachment as it hits home differently.
I’m not sure I agree with 50-65% of the population as secure. A lot of avoidants test secure.
One thing I would add in the PAUSE part, when they are asking themselves what is real right now or however you worded it, maybe add that feelings are not facts. Just because they feel like pulling away or pursuing, which is a fact- feeling we are invisible or suffocated are not facts.
Noticing what we feel in our body signals our activation. Once we are aware we are activated, we can learn opposite action skills. Not easy at first, I know.
Thank you very much for the article. It provides valuable insight. Now, I’m curious to learn more about the behavioral tips for managing different attachment styles. There are relationships that one doesn't want to walk away from – at least not immediately – but rather aims to make work or find a way to improve. I fully understand that some attachment styles can become toxic over time, but what if there’s a mild variation of avoidant or other styles in a long-term relationship? How can we move forward, especially when we want to give the relationship a chance to evolve and shift towards a more secure attachment?
I used to do all of this—pause, regulate, choose a different response.
And it helped.
But the real shift came when I started resolving the nervous system imprints driving the activation in the first place.
Not managing the reaction.
Changing what was generating it.
Now, things that used to spike my system… don’t.
Because the imprint underneath them isn’t running the same way anymore.
That’s been my experience of “earned security.”
And it changes what’s actually possible in relationships.
Would you be able to elaborate on this ? I would LOVE to read about this particular approach.
I’m so glad you asked this.
Most approaches focus on managing the reaction—pausing, regulating, choosing differently.
What I’m pointing to is something underneath that.
The reaction itself is being generated by unresolved imprints.
When those resolve, the activation disappears.
I wrote about this more deeply here:
https://stephaniedawnclark1.substack.com/p/survival-outranks-strategy-what-the?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web
One of the best things my therapist ever taught me was to sit through the silence. Those who are anxiously, attached tend to over, engaged as a self regulation, strategy, putting you at risk of attaching to someone who is unsafe. I learned how to white knuckle the silent moments, distract myself, etc., and the person ended up showing their true colors.
I've read about this but I really enjoyed how you described it. Although I was shocked to see that up to 50% of people have a secure attachment style...it leaves me wondering why I can probably count the ones I've known on one hand. I'm drawn to the chemistry and intensity...definitely disorganized attachment issues...I used to pull away when I had big feelings. I finally have what I consider to be a securely attached relationship but not entirely sure my entire system has become "secure." Does that make sense?
instant save
Thank you for sharing 🤍🙌🏽
excellent article. thank you for sharing.
Secure attachment is the refusal to act as the system’s enforcement officer. In a culture obsessed with shaving off a child’s jagged edges for the sake of standardized performance, real security is found in the parent who rejects the mask. It’s moving from being the judge of their ‘behavior’ to the guardian of their actual neurological capacity. The system sees defiance; attachment sees an SOS.
It’s unfortunate that we aren’t taught these things about ourselves earlier on like in high school. It’s so needed to know how to navigate relationships better.
The most disorienting part is realising you spent years mistaking anxious attachment for passion and avoidant behaviour for mystery. Secure attachment felt boring at first ..because there was no drama to decode. Learning to recognise safety as attractive rather than suspicious… that’s the real work nobody talks about 🙌
This is an incredible article! Thank you for sharing 🤍
This 🔥 brought light to something I have been refusing to face and admit, facing the discomfort of uncertainty and trusting I will have the capacity to handle anything that comes 😭😭😭
Love this! Thanks for sharing. Well written
This is such a subtle dynamic….
Easy to read non clinical article on attachment. Thank you for writing this, it’s always nice to read what other have to share on attachment as it hits home differently.
I’m not sure I agree with 50-65% of the population as secure. A lot of avoidants test secure.
One thing I would add in the PAUSE part, when they are asking themselves what is real right now or however you worded it, maybe add that feelings are not facts. Just because they feel like pulling away or pursuing, which is a fact- feeling we are invisible or suffocated are not facts.
Noticing what we feel in our body signals our activation. Once we are aware we are activated, we can learn opposite action skills. Not easy at first, I know.
Just sharing that. Great essay.
Thank you very much for the article. It provides valuable insight. Now, I’m curious to learn more about the behavioral tips for managing different attachment styles. There are relationships that one doesn't want to walk away from – at least not immediately – but rather aims to make work or find a way to improve. I fully understand that some attachment styles can become toxic over time, but what if there’s a mild variation of avoidant or other styles in a long-term relationship? How can we move forward, especially when we want to give the relationship a chance to evolve and shift towards a more secure attachment?
THIS.