Cody this was the best article ever I hope that you do more on this subject of the bonding chemicals to sex in relationship. The one take away that was Major is that bonding happens automatically even if you're unaware of it it still happening oh my goodness I would love for you to go in deeper on that because I believe that is a factor in a lot of relationships that are not ideal for someone but because the bonding has happened and they aren't aware and that is the reason why they are feeling stuck in the relationship literally. And then speak to how to get out of the relationship what's that process like.
The sense that I get is that sex is expected on the first encounter. (None dare call it dating!) This is enormously stressful and, in the absence of genuine passion, sounds like no sort of good time, if for no reason other then it is not a bad idea to let go of boundaries with strangers.
A lot of people try to untangle the more fundamental aspects of relating after sex. Perhaps sometimes this works.
you did something interesting here by reframing the timing question from moral to strategic. the five-question framework works because it replaces shame with information - which is rare in this conversation. but the part that hit me hardest is the oxytocin point. most people think of bonding chemistry as a signal that someone is right for them. but it is actually just a loyalty drug that bonds you to whoever is present during the flood - regardless of whether they have earned it. that is why the early weeks of physical intimacy can feel like clarity when they are actually the opposite. your nervous system is not telling you this person is trustworthy. it is telling you this person is familiar now. and familiarity registers almost identically to safety in the brain. so the real question is not when should you have sex but what information do you need before you let your chemistry make the decision for you? because once the bonding kicks in most people stop evaluating and start justifying.
That depends on how old you are, how much experience you have, how much guilt you have tied to any religious affiliation… frankly, as a woman in her 40’s who has always loved sex, and a scientist who understands the physiological benefits… I’d say, as soon as you feel that person is a safe space who will pay as much attention to your pleasure as their own… go to town! ☺️
Cody this was the best article ever I hope that you do more on this subject of the bonding chemicals to sex in relationship. The one take away that was Major is that bonding happens automatically even if you're unaware of it it still happening oh my goodness I would love for you to go in deeper on that because I believe that is a factor in a lot of relationships that are not ideal for someone but because the bonding has happened and they aren't aware and that is the reason why they are feeling stuck in the relationship literally. And then speak to how to get out of the relationship what's that process like.
This is a great idea for a future blog! It involves replacing oxytocin!
The sense that I get is that sex is expected on the first encounter. (None dare call it dating!) This is enormously stressful and, in the absence of genuine passion, sounds like no sort of good time, if for no reason other then it is not a bad idea to let go of boundaries with strangers.
A lot of people try to untangle the more fundamental aspects of relating after sex. Perhaps sometimes this works.
Taking some time to get to know someone before sex is almost never a bad idea, easier said than done sometimes, I get it, but nevertheless!
Loved thus article: clear, concise and very informative. Thank you!
I appreciate it!
you did something interesting here by reframing the timing question from moral to strategic. the five-question framework works because it replaces shame with information - which is rare in this conversation. but the part that hit me hardest is the oxytocin point. most people think of bonding chemistry as a signal that someone is right for them. but it is actually just a loyalty drug that bonds you to whoever is present during the flood - regardless of whether they have earned it. that is why the early weeks of physical intimacy can feel like clarity when they are actually the opposite. your nervous system is not telling you this person is trustworthy. it is telling you this person is familiar now. and familiarity registers almost identically to safety in the brain. so the real question is not when should you have sex but what information do you need before you let your chemistry make the decision for you? because once the bonding kicks in most people stop evaluating and start justifying.
Correct! These early bonding chemicals can for sure feel like clarity!
That depends on how old you are, how much experience you have, how much guilt you have tied to any religious affiliation… frankly, as a woman in her 40’s who has always loved sex, and a scientist who understands the physiological benefits… I’d say, as soon as you feel that person is a safe space who will pay as much attention to your pleasure as their own… go to town! ☺️