Why 'Should' is the Most Dangerous Word in Your Vocab 🧠

The neuroscience of how ‘should’ sabotages you—and the 4 steps to reclaim your life. (9min Read)

TL;DR Summary:

• The Problem: "Should" creates stress, guilt, and resistance, keeping you stuck and drained.

• The Neuroscience: It activates brain networks that amplify stress and block clear thinking.

• The Solution: Reframe "should" using Amy Wong’s 4 Steps:

  1. Recognize choice as your superpower.

  2. Check in with your feelings—negative emotions signal a "should."

  3. Identify your deeper wants, not surface-level distractions.

  4. Take bold, intentional action based on what truly matters.

• Free yourself from "should" and align your life with what you truly value!

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Stop ‘Should-ing’ Yourself Already…

Am I the only one who wakes up with a mental checklist of things you should do?

• You should eat better.

• You should be further along in your career.

• You should call that friend back.

• You should sleep more.

• You should take a vacation.

Before I even get outta bed, I’m “should-ing” all over myself.

The word "should" seems harmless at first glance, but it’s a linguistic trap that activates stress, guilt, and resistance in your brain.

I recently read the book, Living on Purpose by Amy Wong, and in chapter 4 she talks about the tyranny of “should.”

She explains how “should” can hijack your energy and keep you from aligning with your true intentions.

As I dove into her ideas, I couldn’t help but notice how deeply this resonated with both neuroscience and the patterns I’ve observed in anxious achievers.

As an anxious achiever myself, this word drives more of my behavior than I would like to admit.

Luckily, her “Four Steps to Freedom” can help break this cycle, so I wanna break this down for ya’ll today!

Let’s dive in.

The Hidden Cost of 'Should'

The word "should" might seem small, but its impact is profound.

It’s not just a word—it’s a mental framework that often works against us, creating unnecessary stress, resistance, and emotional weight.

These we can feel, almost instantly, but Amy also talks about the hidden costs we pay by keeping this word in our vocab!

1. Imposing External Standards

Think of "should" as the voice of society whispering in your ear.

It often reflects external expectations rather than your own values or desires.

For example, “I should take this promotion” might seem like the right thing to do because success is typically defined by career advancement.

But if that promotion pulls you further away from your true priorities—like creativity, balance, or family—it creates a disconnect.

It’s like wearing a pair of shoes that don’t fit just because everyone else says they look great.

They might look good from the outside, but they leave you feeling uncomfortable and constrained.

2. Fueling Resistance

Next, "Should" puts your energy in the wrong place.

Imagine you’re at the starting line of a race, but instead of running toward the finish line, you’re carrying a parachute that’s dragging behind you.

That’s what “should” does—it anchors you in resistance.

Instead of focusing on what excites or inspires you, it shifts your attention to what you don’t want—like failure, guilt, or judgment.

This resistance feels heavy because it’s a battle against reality, draining energy that could be used for meaningful action.

When you say, “I should exercise,” you’re often thinking, “I don’t want to gain weight” rather than, “I want to feel strong and energized.”

The result?

Procrastination and dread, because your motivation is rooted in fear, not joy.

I can’t tell you how much sense this made to me when I read it!

Should-based goals never work long-term!

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3. Creating Emotional Turmoil

Last but not least is the emotional turmoil it creates inside of you.

It emphasizes what you haven’t done, making you feel guilty, frustrated, or overwhelmed.

Instead of celebrating what you can do or want to do, "should" traps you in a cycle of self-criticism.

When you think, “I should clean the house,” it’s easy to spiral into thoughts like, “Why am I so messy?” or “Why can’t I get it together?”

This creates emotional clutter that makes starting the task feel even harder.

It’s like carrying around a bag of rocks labeled “shame”, “guilt” and “self-judgment.”

Each "should" adds another rock, weighing you down and making every step more difficult.

These hidden costs add up, depleting your mental and emotional resources.

The Neuroscience of 'Should': Why It Feels So Heavy

Should doesn’t just randomly feel heavier, it really is doing a number on your nervous system.

It’s like an unwelcome guest who barges in and reminds you of everything you’re doing wrong.

This activates your brain’s stress response system, a complex network involving three key players: the salience network, the default mode network (DMN), and the executive control network.

Here’s how these systems work together—and sometimes against you:

1. The Salience Network: Think of this as your brain’s alarm system, constantly scanning for anything that feels off—like the gap between what you’re doing and what you think you should be doing. This network amplifies a sense of urgency, even when the "threat" isn’t real.

2. Default Mode Network (DMN): This part kicks in when your mind starts reflecting on yourself. When the salience network raises the alarm, the DMN begins creating stories about why you’re falling short, triggering thoughts like, “Why am I so behind?” or “What’s wrong with me?” These patterns of rumination intensify the stress.

3. Executive Control Network: Normally, this network—led by the prefrontal cortex—helps you stay calm, focused, and logical. But when the stress alarm keeps blaring, it struggles to step in, making it harder to think clearly or find motivation.

Meanwhile, regions like the amygdala and hypothalamus release cortisol, the stress hormone, while areas like the hippocampus and ventromedial prefrontal cortex attempt (and often fail) to provide perspective and calm things down.

Here’s the kicker: this interplay doesn’t distinguish between skipping the gym and running from a predator.

Your brain’s evolutionary wiring treats both as threats, leaving you mentally bogged down and emotionally stuck.

The longer these networks stay activated, the harder it is to break free, as the constant cortisol drip reinforces a cycle of guilt, resistance, and inertia.

Meaning the resistance to “should” Amy talks about in her book is reflected in your nervous system, which explains the heaviness she describes.

So, what can you do about it? I’m glad you asked!

Reframing 'Should': The 4 Steps to Freedom

Now that you see how "should" creates resistance and drains your energy, it’s time to take action (as always).

Amy suggests a 4 step process to help you obliterate “should” from your vocab, and life.

She calls it the 4 Steps to Freedom.

Let’s break them down!

Step 1: Recognize That Choice is Your Superpower

The first step hits hard, because it’s less of a step, and more of a truth you need to learn to own.

Which is, you’re not stuck; you’re choosing, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Every moment offers a choice—what you focus on, how you act, and what you feel.

The first step is deciding to embrace this truthfully.

You get to choose how to navigate your life, OWN THIS CHOICE!

For example, instead of saying, “I should get more done,” reframe it to, “I can choose to focus on one important thing right now.”

Actionable Tip:

Remind yourself daily: “I have the power to choose what I focus on, the decisions I make, and the actions I take.”

Write it on a sticky note or set it as a phone reminder if you need a boost!

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Step 2: Check In with How You Feel

Next up, you gotta start noticing how you feel throughout the day!

I use the app “How We Feel” to do exactly that, it uses a 4 quadrant system to categorize emotions quickly!

Negative emotions like frustration, guilt, or apathy are often red flags that "should" is in play.

Take a moment to pause and identify where it’s showing up in your thoughts.

Amy suggests you ask yourself:

• “What ‘should’ am I holding onto right now?”

• “What expectation or rule am I resisting?”

If you’re thinking, “I should have handled that meeting better,” recognize that this feeling of guilt might be rooted in unrealistic expectations.

A pro tip for this step is to notice physical cues too—tight shoulders, shallow breathing, or clenched jaws are often signs of stress linked to "should."

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Step 3: Shift From Resistance to Desire

This is my second favorite step, it’s where the real magic shift happens, and why we’re gonna spend a little more time on it!

That’s because when you confront a "should," it’s easy to confuse what you want in the moment with what you deeply want.

Amy’s a genius for this one…

If you’re not honest with yourself, you might find yourself reaching for a short-term distraction instead of addressing the deeper need underneath.

The Surface Want vs. The Deeper Want

Surface wants are those immediate, easy-to-grab fixes.

After a long day, your surface want might look like this: "I want to flop on the couch, DoorDash dinner, and binge-watch the entire Marvel saga." (Or is that just me?!)

However desirable this surface-level want feels, is it really what you truly want?

When you dig deeper, you might find that this is just a stand-in for something else.

What you might actually want is to feel relaxed and connected after a stressful day.

This deeper want requires honesty and curiosity to uncover!

The real challenge is being brutally honest with yourself.

Surface wants often deliver a quick hit of comfort or distraction, but they rarely address the deeper desire for joy, peace, or fulfillment.

Choosing the surface want might feel good temporarily, but over time, it leaves you feeling stuck or unsatisfied.

When you identify the deeper want, you open up new possibilities for what Amy calls inspired action, which we’ll get to in a minute!

How To Start

Amy suggests using these prompts to get started finding your deeper desires to reframe your “shoulds”:

• I want to ________.

• I can’t wait to _________.

• I’m really excited by _________.

• It gives me great relief to _____.

• I would feel joy if I were to ________.

• I must _________.

• I will _________.

Example:

• Instead of: "I should go to the gym."

• Reframe to: "I want to feel energized and strong, so I’ll go for a 20-minute walk today."

Step 4: Take Bold, Intentional Action (My Favorite Step)

Alright, last but not least, ACTION! My favorite topic, as you know.

Amy makes it simple.

Once you’ve identified what you truly want, act on it with confidence.

Trust that you’re making the right choice for you.

Let go of the invisible rulebook dictating what your life "should" look like.

Instead of thinking, “I should work late to prove my worth,” decide, “I want to prioritize rest so I can be productive tomorrow.”

Then log off without guilt.

Noooo, this isn’t a “should” that runs my life… I don’t know what you’re talking about…

All jokes aside, if you’ve done the steps above, this one should be pretty easy!

And remember, small actions create momentum.

Start with one small step that feels achievable and aligned with your goal.

Then, boldly pursue your desires, knowing they align with your true self!

For example, instead of "I should call my friend." reframe it to "I want to feel connected, so I’ll reach out to my friend today."

What’s Next?

I don’t know about you, but this tranny of “should” really hits home for me.

It’s everywhere, and it’s not something I want to be a part of my 2025.

Which is why I’m going to Amy’s 2025 on Purpose Workshop on Jan 9th, 2025.

It’s free, and when I talked with her yesterday, she said I could invite ya’ll!

She’s going to dive into each of these steps deeper, and cover things that aren’t even in the book.

If you wanna come, here’s the signup link.

Hope to see you there!

Claim the Life You Were Born to Live

By removing "should" from your vocabulary, you release resistance and open the door to inspired deliberate action.

Start small by reframing one "should" each day, and watch how this shift transforms your energy, motivation, and sense of purpose.

There’s no universal rulebook for how to live your life—only you can decide what feels right for you.

Mantra to Remember: “I am the author of my life. I choose what aligns with my values and joy.”

Are you ready to embrace your superpower of choice and live with intention?

Good, because I have a challenge for you.

This week, identify one “should” that’s weighing you down.

Reframe it into a choice and take action.

You might be surprised how freeing it feels to trust yourself.

Until next time… Live Heroically 🧠

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Supporting Research:

• Wong, A. E. (2022). Living on Purpose: Five Deliberate Choices to Realize Fulfillment and Joy. Nashville, TN: BrainTrust Ink.