Why Your Brain Pushes Away the Love & Connection You Crave 🧠

The strange science of sabotaging safe relationships and how to stop! (10min Read)

TL;DR Summary

• When someone finally sees your vulnerable parts, it can feel terrifying—not tender.

• Your brain may interpret intimacy as threat, due to past pain stored in the nervous system.

• Protectors jump in to shut down closeness to avoid shame, obligation, or relational debt.

• This push-pull dynamic is common in high-functioning people with attachment trauma.

• Healing starts internally: with Self-energy, unblending, and befriending your Parts.

• But full healing requires relationship: a brave, conscious partner who meets you halfway.

• True transformation comes from pendulating between inner work and shared relational repair.

• You’re not too much—you’re just learning what enough finally feels like.

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The Paradox of Being Seen

Imagine this… You’ve been starving for connection for what feels like forever.

A life spent over-functioning, proving your worth, out-achieving your fear of abandonment.

Then, the miracle of miracles happens, someone sees you.

Not the “high-performing you,” not the polished, productive version you’ve perfected over the years.

They see the raw, emotional, aching you. And they don’t flinch.

Which feels nice, at first.

But instead of softening into this, something inside twists.

The warmth turns to panic.

And before you know it you’re rationalizing reasons to pull away, you’re shutting down, and shutting them out.

What the hell just happened?

Why do we push away the very people who offer us the connection we’ve always longed for?

If you've ever self-sabotaged a genuinely safe relationship, you're not alone.

For many anxious achievers, especially those carrying attachment trauma, the moment someone sees our most vulnerable parts isn't just tender, it's terrifying.

And every nervous system responds differently to this terror.

Some fight, some flee, some fawn, some freeze, but at the core of it all is an internal conflict that’s hard to understand without taking a step back to see the pattern for what it is.

Today, we’ll be taking a deep dive into the world of Internal Family Systems (IFS), to shed light on this very pattern, and all the Parts involved.

By the end, you’ll have a map of the pattern, and a plan of attack to ensure you don’t get stuck in the same pattern over and over again.

Let’s dive in!

The Internal Family Systems View: Welcome → Panic → Ejection

Alight, let’s look at this through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS).

IFS teaches us that you aren’t one monolithic self.

You’re a system, a team of Parts developed to protect you from pain.

I’ve written extensively on IFS, so I’m not going to go into excruciating detail today.

Big picture, there are two key categories of parts shape the pattern we’re talking about today:

• Exiles: the younger, wounded parts of you that carry shame, worthlessness, loneliness, need, or vulnerability. They hold the desire to be seen.

• Protectors: parts that try to keep the system safe by preventing exiles from being triggered or exposed. They use strategies like perfectionism, avoidance, control, shutting down, anger, intellectualizing, or people-pleasing.

Now here’s the paradoxical truth behind this entire pattern.

Sometimes, a safe relationship makes our exiles feel welcomed, finally seen, finally held.

They think, “They see me. Maybe I am lovable.”

These un-loved exiles feel safest with people who welcome them, until the protector system panics.

To our protectors, this isn’t relief. It’s an alarm bell.

Because vulnerability has cost you before.

These exiles were locked away for a reason, and someone shining light on them all of a sudden feels dangerous.

“If they love this part of me,” your protector worries, “they’ll expect more than I can give.”

“I’ll owe them. And I can’t afford that debt.”

“I’m not lovable as I am, this can’t be real love, and it will lead to pain.”

“They’ll leave once they really know me.” (I struggle with this one personally)

So, in a tragic, parts-led reflex, that very protector ejects the partner who was offering the unconditional acceptance the exile craves.

This is a safety mechanism to keep the painful and vulnerable exiled parts locked away.

Your protectors don’t understand you’re older now, they don’t understand there is another option now.

So, what looks like self-sabotage is actually your system protecting itself in the only way it knows how.

The Neuroscience of Why This Feels So Real

To your nervous system, this isn’t confusing or even “self-sabotage”…

It’s consistent.

It's doing what it's always done: protect you from pain.

And emotionally safe doesn’t always feel safe to a traumatized brain.

When someone sees a part of you that’s never been seen before, it can activate:

• The amygdala, your threat-detection center, lights up in response to relational closeness if closeness has ever been paired with danger (like conditional love or emotional abandonment).

• The anterior cingulate cortex which helps detect "prediction errors." If your past taught you that love = danger, and now someone is offering love = safety, your brain gets confused. It flags the moment as suspicious.

• The Default Mode Network (DMN): Your DMN—where internal simulations and autobiographical memory live—may start running catastrophic future scripts: “If I get close, I’ll lose myself. If they stay, I’ll owe them.”

Your system isn’t malfunctioning—it’s forecasting based on old data.

And that’s the problem.

It’s like your brain is a smoke detector going off every time someone lights a birthday candle.

The risk feels real.

But it’s based on outdated programming.

Your brain overreacts to love, because love has hurt before.

Attachment Trauma and the Myth of Relational Debt

Let’s talk about debt.

For many high achievers with attachment trauma, the panic isn’t just about being seen—it’s about what comes next.

This concept shows up again and again in my clients.

It sounds like:

• “If someone loves me unconditionally, I’ll have to stay close.”

• “If I’m everything they need, they won’t leave.”

• “If they accept me, I’ll owe them reciprocity I might not be ready to give.”

• “If I don’t match their vulnerability, I’ll be the bad one.”

This fear of relational debt comes from early conditioning where love was conditional:

• "You're lovable if you're useful or achieving."

• "You're safe if you're perfect."

• "You belong if you're pleasing."

The trauma wasn’t just the rejection, it was what happened after you risked vulnerability and were punished or abandoned for it.

So unconditional acceptance doesn’t feel like freedom.

It feels like a trap.

That’s especially true for anxious achievers, those of us who learned to be valuable by being exceptional, and never vulnerable.

When love shows up without a price tag, it triggers parts of you that believe nothing good comes for free.

The Push-Pull: It’s Not Just You

Here's where it gets nuanced.

The one who ejects the connection is not the only scared part in the room.

Often, the person on the other side, the one being pushed away, has their own protective system at play.

They may be the type who:

• Suppress their own needs to keep love.

• Hide parts of themselves they think are too much.

• Show up as overly accommodating or emotionally enmeshed.

• Struggle to see their own protectors because they’re so focused on being chosen.

They crave love but suppress their own needs to get it.

Their own exiles are terrified of rejection too, just manifesting through pleasing rather than pushing.

So, they’re just as scared.

Scared that if they don’t show up as perfect, they’ll be abandoned.

Meaning, paradoxically, both sides are navigating the same core fears:

• Fear of being seen.

• Fear of being owed.

• Fear of being left.

• Fear of vulnerability.

They just manifest differently.

One pulls away. The other clings harder.

And neither can see that the real threat isn’t each other.

It’s their own internal systems trying to protect them.

And both sides are usually unaware that their parts are talking to parts, not people.

It's not logical.

It’s protector-driven, trauma-informed, deeply adaptive behavior.

Think of it like this:

A surgeon walks into the ER to help, but because of a past botched operation, the staff panics and throws them out. The very person who could heal you is mistaken for a threat.

Ok, Cody, I get it, what can I do about this? How do I escape this pattern?

Ah, yes, great question as always, imaginary reader I talk to while writing these, here’s exactly how to heal.

Healing: Building Internal Trust & Safety Before External Intimacy

You can’t outsource safety.

IFS teaches that healing isn’t just about finding a safe person outside of yourself, it’s about rebuilding trust inside your own system.

Not by forcing ourselves to “lean in” when we’re panicking.

Not by bypassing protectors with mantras and wishful thinking.

But by going inward, first.

How do you do that?

• Step 1: Unblending: Start recognizing when a part is talking (“This feels like my 10-year-old exile’s fear, not present-day me.”) Thank your protector for trying to help. Invite it to consider that maybe... things are different now.

• Step 2: Self-energy: Access the calm, compassionate “you” who can hold the whole system. Not fix, just be with. Let your protectors know: You don’t have to eject love anymore. You’re not alone in here now.

• Step 3: Build Inner Relationships: Instead of outsourcing trust to your partner, build it inside your system. Let your protectors meet your Self. Let your exiles feel seen by you.

This isn’t about “letting the right person in.”

It’s about letting yourself be present with the parts that never got that chance before.

The Other 50%: Healing with Another Human

Internal work is essential, but it’s half the healing equation.

Here’s a truth many people (especially high-functioning trauma survivors) miss:

Attachment trauma doesn’t fully heal in isolation.
It can’t—because it wasn’t created in isolation.

It was created in moments of reaching and not being met.

In early bonds where love was conditional, absent, or unsafe.

In families where your nervous system learned that vulnerability is dangerous and love always comes with a cost.

So yes, your inner parts need your Self-energy.

They need you to show up for them, unblend, listen, soothe, and lead.

But they also need something else:

They need someone else who’s willing to meet you halfway.

Someone who can become part of the re-learning.

Someone who says, “Yes, I see your protectors. I see your exiles. I’ve got some of those, too.”

And instead of running from the mess, they stay. Instead of rejecting what’s raw, they lean in.

Instead of expecting perfection, they get curious with you.

Because here’s the thing: the work you do inside your own system builds capacity.

But the work you do with another person builds trust.

That’s when attachment trauma really starts to unwind—not just as a cognitive insight, but as a lived, relational experience.

It’s learning to pendulate—gently—between inner and outer:

• Turning inward when something flares up.

• Returning outward with your heart still open.

• Bringing Self-energy to your system, and then offering it to theirs.

It’s one thing to feel compassion for your own protector parts.

It’s another to look at someone else’s, with all their defenses, wounds, and unfinished stories—and love them through it, too.

That’s how the cycle breaks. Together.

That’s the magic of co-regulation. That’s the beauty of reciprocal healing.

That’s the rare miracle of a relationship built not on perfection—but on participation.

And no, it isn’t without risk.

Loving someone while holding your own fear of abandonment is one of the most courageous things you can do.

Letting someone see you, even while your inner parts whisper, “They’ll leave when they find out,” is sacred bravery. (Trust me, I struggle with this myself!)

But the reward?

It’s not just a partner. It’s not just intimacy.

It’s freedom—from the past, from the cycle, from the lie that love must cost you everything.

It’s not just about doing “the work.”

It’s about finding someone who wants to do it with you.

You’re not meant to heal all of this alone. You never were.

And when you find someone who’s willing to walk that path beside you, unarmored and awake?

That’s when healing becomes wholeness. That’s when intimacy becomes transformation.

And THAT is a worthwhile endeavor. I promise.

Very inspirational, Cody, thank you, but what’s step one?

Great question, I got you!

A 3-Step Plan for Healing from the Inside Out and the Outside In

This work is deep, but the path forward doesn’t have to be overwhelming.

Here’s a simple 3-step plan to pendulate between internal trust and external intimacy.

Step 1: Do the Inner Check-In First

Before you assume the problem is the person in front of you, pause and ask:

“Who’s speaking inside right now?”
Is this a young exile feeling hopeful or scared?
Is this a protector anticipating shame or debt?
Is this your SELF, calm, clear, curious, compassionate, grounded?

That moment you want to ghost, fight, or run? That’s the gold.

That’s the part flaring up. Don’t shame it. Get curious.

Use this moment to unblend. Name the part.

Thank it for trying to help. Let it know things might be different now.

Write out the fear-debt internal story this Part is holding on to:

“If I let them in, then _____ will happen, and that would mean _____.”

Challenge the logic with Self-energy, not shame.

Step 2: Lead with Self-Energy, Internally AND Externally

Don’t just bring compassion to your parts, bring it to the people in front of you, too.

That means:

• Speaking from clarity instead of defense.

• Listening to your partner’s wounds as you would your own.

• Remembering their protectors are trying to help them survive, just like yours are.

Bring the presence your parts trust to your relationships too.

Let your Self lead the system, and the connection.

This doesn’t happen all at once, as you invest in Step One, you can invest more in Step Two, then back to One, then Two…

Like a teeter-totter, it’s a balancing act.

It’s not a place you arrive, it’s something you consistently practice.

Step 3: CHOOSE Someone Who CHOOSES to Do the Work With You

As you now know, healing attachment trauma is not a solo mission.

Choose someone who’s not perfect, but present.

Not armored, but accountable.

Someone who can say:

“I see your system. I see mine too. Let’s do this differently. Together.”

That’s how relational trauma heals, not just in therapy, but in real-time moments of rupture and repair.

I challenge you to be brave enough to do your half and be wise enough to wait for someone who’s willing to do theirs.

You don’t need perfect conditions.

Just two people, doing the work with open & willing hearts.

You’re Not Too Much, You’re Just Learning What Enough Feels Like

If you’ve pushed love away, it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

If you’ve ghosted someone safe, it doesn’t mean you’re unlovable.

It means your system has been doing an extraordinary job of protecting you from vulnerability, and now, that strategy is getting in the way of what you truly want.

But, today?

You’re learning something new.

You’re learning that you can be close without losing yourself. That love can come without a ledger.

That the nervous system can soften. That the cycle can break.

And that healing is not just about solitude and journaling, it’s about standing across from another human, stripped of your armor, and staying anyway.

That’s the work.

That’s the risk.

That’s the reward.

So when the parts of you start to panic, when they whisper that it’s safer to be alone, to be in control, to disappear, pause.

Breathe.

Let your Self lead.

And maybe, just maybe, tell those parts:

“Yes, it’s risky. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But this time, we’re not doing it alone.”

Because you’re not.

And you never have to again.

Until next time… Live Heroically 🧠

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Supporting Research

• Cozolino, L. (2014). The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain (2nd ed.). W.W. Norton & Company.

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.

• Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self. W.W. Norton & Company.

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model. Trailheads Publications.

• Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.

• Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

• Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.