WTF Is "Emotional Availability"??? 🧠
Because everyone keeps talking about it, nobody defines it, so I finally lost it and defined the damn thing myself.
Author’s Note: This week’s blog is longer than most because of the depth and tools I added in, please think about this more as a guide, then a blog for that reason!
TL;DR Summary
Emotional availability is neuroscience-based, not vague dating jargon.
It has six clear pillars: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, Attuned Empathy, Consistent Responsiveness, Boundaries & Mutual Autonomy, and Well-Being Maintenance.
Each pillar can be practically measured and developed through specific neuroscience and psychology-backed tools (including IFS).
Improving emotional availability directly enhances dating, intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.
The blog provides a clear self-assessment tool, practical strategies to improve each area, and a guide for using these pillars effectively in relationships.
“Emotional Availability.”
I swear, if I hear that phrase one more time without someone clearly defining it, I'm going to lose my mind.
Every podcast, every TikTok therapist, every dating coach drops it like the magic key to relationships.
Yet when you ask what it actually means, you get vague answers, confused shrugs, or advice that sounds straight out of a fortune cookie.
Well, guess what? I hit my breaking point.
You deserve more than relationship jargon.
So here’s me, sitting down with the neuroscience, psychology, and a bit of sass, giving you a real breakdown.
Here’s exactly what emotional availability is, once and for all.
Broken down into practical, science-backed skills you can actually understand & develop.
By the end, you’ll have an exact score, know what to do to increase it, and learn how to use this in dating and relationships!
Let’s dive in.
What Emotional Availability Really Means
First of all, emotional availability isn’t some vague, mystical trait.
It’s about:
Clearly identifying and managing your emotions (self-awareness, self-regulation).
Tuning into others’ emotional states and responding appropriately (attuned empathy, consistent responsiveness).
Navigating closeness and independence skillfully (boundaries & mutual autonomy).
Maintaining overall well-being so you have something left in your emotional tank (well-being maintenance).
Relationships without emotional availability are exhausting, dramatic, confusing and painful.
Relationships with it? Harmonious, connected, secure, the stuff of legend.
Let’s dive into each pillar, how to know if you have it (or not), and ways to get better.
Yes, even you.
Pillar #1: Self-Awareness: “Know What You Feel”
Have you ever gotten into a heated argument with a partner, only to realize—midway through—that you don’t even know why you’re angry?
We’ve all been there.
Self-awareness is the emotional GPS of your relationships.
Without it, you’re driving blind.
Misunderstanding your own emotions leads to miscommunication, fights, and hurt feelings.
When you're emotionally self-aware, you can clearly explain what's happening inside you.
You're no longer expecting your partner to magically know how you're feeling (they're humans, not mind-readers).
Instead, you hand them a clear map.
Think of your emotions like a dashboard: self-awareness is seeing all the blinking lights clearly so you can address them calmly, rather than panic when your relationship suddenly stalls.
So, how do you develop this? (Hint: IFS is involved.)
How to Develop It:
Parts Mapping (IFS): When a big feeling arises, pause and ask yourself, "What part of me feels this way?" Imagine yourself gently turning inward and directly asking your emotions or sensations: "What are you feeling? What do you need me to know?"
Name-It-To-Tame-It: Neuroscience shows naming emotions aloud ("A Part of me feels anxious") quiets amygdala reactivity, helping you regulate more quickly.
Mindful Body-Scan: Take regular emotional check-ins throughout the day. Scan your body for sensations and label your emotions clearly, noticing early signals before they become overwhelming.
Rate Yourself (1-10): ___
Where are you right now in your self-awareness?
Here’s a scale to help you:
1: “I feel awful and have zero clue why.”
10: “I’m feeling anxious because our last conversation triggered my fear of rejection.”
Pillar #2: Self-Regulation: “Steer Your Nervous System”
Relationships and life inevitably trigger emotional reactions.
The question is, how well can you regulate?
Couples who can manage emotional highs and lows without spiraling into fights last longer and love deeper.
Good regulation is the emotional shock absorber in your relationship vehicle.
Imagine you're in the car with a partner, heading out to a fun dinner, and they casually mention something that triggers an old insecurity.
Suddenly, your heart races, your stomach flips, and a wave of anxiety sweeps over you.
Without good regulation: You're overwhelmed, snapping back, or withdrawing into awkward silence. The entire evening is ruined, not just for you, but for your partner, too. Sound familiar?
With good regulation: You notice the reaction, communicate it to your partner, then pause to breathe, compassionately acknowledge your triggered parts internally ("I see you, anxiety, we’re okay"), and gradually soothe yourself back into a calm state. Dinner isn't ruined; in fact, you might even share vulnerably later, deepening intimacy.
I've seen countless relationships stumble not because partners lacked love, but because they lacked this ability to regulate emotional storms.
Good self-regulation turns chaos into connection.
How to Develop It:
Befriending the Triggered Part (IFS): When triggered, visualize the anxious or angry part of you as a separate entity needing your attention. Internally reassure it: "I see you. I’m here. You’re safe." Extend curiosity and compassion rather than harsh self-criticism.
Diaphragmatic Breathing: Neuroscientifically proven to activate vagal tone and reduce emotional intensity. Practice slow breathing at 6 breaths/minute for several minutes.
90-Second Wave: Remember, emotions peak chemically around 90 seconds. Practice consciously "surfing" this wave, knowing it will naturally pass if you let it.
Rate Yourself (1-10): ___
Where are you today in emotional self-regulation?
Here’s a scale to help you:
1: "When I’m mad, I stay mad. My partner feels like they're walking on eggshells."
10: "I can feel myself getting angry. Give me five minutes, and I'll be calm enough to talk clearly."
Pillar #3: Attuned Empathy: “Feel You With Me”
Ever had one of those terrible, no-good days, and you come home desperate to feel understood?
Imagine your partner immediately tries to "solve" your bad day instead of just being with you.
You're left feeling isolated and unseen, even though their intentions were good.
We've all been there.
Now imagine a different partner: one who, when you walk in visibly upset, pauses everything, looks you in the eye, and says gently, "Hey, it seems like something big happened today. Wanna talk about it?" as they wrap you up in a hug.
That empathy immediately dissolves your stress, making you feel deeply cared for.
In emotionally rich relationships, empathy isn't just "nice to have"; it's oxygen.
Without it, relationships suffocate slowly.
With it, even life's toughest moments become sources of closeness.
How to Develop It:
Unblending from Your "Fixer/Caretaker" Part (IFS): Notice when you rush to give advice rather than simply witnessing your partner’s feelings. Internally remind your eager "fixer" part, "Thank you, but right now my job is just to listen and understand."
Active Listening Loop: Practice reflecting, labeling, and validating your partner’s emotions. ("It sounds like you're really hurt because… did I get that right?")
Eyes-Test/Micro-expression Practice: Spend a few minutes daily practicing noticing subtle emotional cues, facial expressions, eye movements, and body language, to deepen empathic accuracy.
Rate Yourself (1-10): ___
Where are you right now in empathy?
Here’s a scale to help you:
1: Partner is upset → you offer advice instead of comfort (which usually backfires spectacularly).
10: Partner is upset → you first listen, validate feelings, and deeply acknowledge their emotional experience before ASKING if they’d like help or advice.
Pillar #4: Consistent Responsiveness: “Show Up When It Counts”
Small moments matter.
Have you ever sent a vulnerable text to someone you're dating, only to have them respond hours (or days!) later, totally missing the emotional point?
Yeah, me too. It's crushing.
You feel small, silly, maybe even ashamed for needing connection.
Consistent responsiveness is the exact opposite.
It's about noticing tiny bids for connection, texts, sighs, glances, and warmly turning toward them.
It feels like sending out little emotional lifelines and having your partner gently grab them every single time.
One of the biggest predictors of relationships ending, according to Gottman’s work, isn't huge betrayals; it’s repeatedly ignoring or missing these small bids.
Consistency in responsiveness builds real trust; without it, the relationship's emotional foundation crumbles bit by bit.
Consistent responsiveness builds emotional security.
It sends the message, "I'm here, I see you, you matter to me."
How to Develop It:
Bids & Turns Practice: Consciously notice when your partner offers small emotional bids (texts, smiles, sighs) and intentionally turn toward them. Even small, deliberate responses build trust.
Dialogue with Your “Distracted” Part (IFS): If you're frequently missing bids, check in with the part of you that tends to get distracted or avoid connection. Ask gently, "What feels difficult about responding consistently? What do you need to feel safer?"
Secure-Base Language: Use affirming language regularly, "I'm here. We'll figure it out together." These simple reassurances reinforce consistent emotional availability.
Rate Yourself (1-10): ___
Where’s your responsiveness right now?
Here’s a scale to help you:
1: Ignoring texts, forgetting small promises, dismissing small requests.
10: Regularly checking in, responding warmly, and reliably keeping promises.
Pillar #5: Boundaries & Mutual Autonomy: “Close, But Not Too Close”
Think back to a relationship where one partner was constantly available, sacrificing their own needs, hobbies, and even friendships just to "be there" for the other.
Maybe it was even you, I know it’s been me before!
At first, it might have felt romantic, until it didn't.
Eventually, resentment crept in.
The relationship turned suffocating, draining, and exhausting.
On the other hand, imagine someone who regularly ghosts, disappears for days, and leaves you wondering if you matter at all.
It’s equally devastating. We've probably all seen (or been) both extremes at some point.
Boundaries and autonomy create a healthy, rhythmic dance in relationships, closeness, then space; togetherness, then solitude.
Each partner's individuality is respected. Without this balance, relationships quickly tip into clinginess or neglect.
How to Develop It:
Negotiating Needs with Parts (IFS): Check in internally: which part of you tends to over-give (caretaker), and which part withdraws to self-protect (protector)? Ask each clearly what they need, then openly communicate these boundary needs to your partner.
Assertive "I feel/I need" Statements: Regularly practice clearly stating your needs and limits calmly and respectfully. ("I feel overwhelmed; I need some time alone to recharge.")
Scheduled Solitude Agreements: Agree together on intentional, regular times apart, creating rhythm and mutual respect for each other's autonomy and personal space.
Rate Yourself (1-10): ___
How clear are your boundaries today?
Here’s a scale to help you:
1: Losing yourself in a relationship, or abruptly disappearing to reclaim space.
10: Comfortably asserting needs and honoring your partner's needs, too.
Pillar #6: Well-Being Maintenance: “Keep the Soil Fertile”
I once knew a couple deeply in love.
On paper, they were perfect, shared interests, humor, attraction.
But one partner consistently ignored self-care: poor sleep, erratic eating, and avoiding support systems.
Slowly, exhaustion and mood swings turned them into someone they didn't recognize: irritable, distant, and numb.
The relationship suffered because emotional generosity is impossible from an empty tank.
Eventually, it broke.
It wasn't a lack of love. It was a lack of self-maintenance.
Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally is foundational.
Healthy relationships aren’t two halves completing each other; they’re two whole people sharing abundantly from their overflow.
Neglecting your well-being sabotages relationships, no matter how compatible you initially feel.
Your well-being is the soil from which your emotional health grows.
If the soil is depleted, your relationships struggle to thrive.
Caring for yourself consistently ensures you're emotionally available to your partner.
How to Develop It:
Stabilize Your Nervous System: Prioritize daily practices known to stabilize mood, regular sleep times, morning sunlight exposure, balanced meals for stable blood sugar, and moderate exercise.
Seek support: Family, friends, supportive community. I also highly recommend a coach or therapist to support you and give you a different perspective on your feelings, thoughts, and actions!
Daily Check-in with "Overwhelmed" Parts (IFS): Regularly pause to gently ask yourself, "What feels tired or depleted in me today?" Actively nurture these tired or burdened parts with rest, compassion, or meaningful self-care activities.
Rate Yourself (1-10): ___
How’s your well-being maintenance?
Here’s a scale to help you:
1: Skipping sleep, neglecting nutrition, dismissing emotional support.
10: Consistent self-care through sleep, nutrition, therapy, exercise, and emotional support, like therapy.
Total Score: ___ /60
How to Actually Use These Pillars
Step 1: Honest Self-Assessment
Go back through each of the six pillars. Honestly score yourself from 1-10.
This isn't a performance evaluation; it’s a roadmap.
Then, if you're brave enough, invite your partner or potential partner to do the same. (I know…. Vulnerable! But trust me, clarity now saves so much stress later.)
Step 2: Pillar-by-Pillar Comparison > Total Scores
Try not to obsess over your total score or panic if your partner’s total score is far off from yours.
Stop. Breathe. The real magic happens in the pillar-by-pillar comparison.
You’re looking for "meta-emotional alignment.”
Do you handle emotional experiences similarly? Do you communicate your feelings in a compatible way? Do you regulate similarly?
Let’s say you both score pretty closely in empathy and responsiveness; that's a huge win.
If you differ significantly on self-awareness or boundaries, it's not fatal, but it's definitely worth a deeper conversation and maybe a bit more intention.
Step 3: Use Your Score as a Relationship Pacing Guide
Your scores naturally guide how fast or slow to take things, be that dating, or inside your relationship.
If you or your partner falls in the "Foundation Building" range, that’s your signal to prioritize individual emotional skill-building and self-care before diving into a super-serious commitment.
Landing in "Secure-Enough" (around 40+) means you've built a solid emotional foundation for a deeper, meaningful connection.
Practical Rule of Thumb for Relationships & Dating
Keep the total-score gap under roughly 10 points (out of 60), or
No single pillar gap greater than about 3 points.
And remember, these are guidelines, not rigid rules.
Use These Pillars as a Compass, Not a Judge
These pillars are tools for clarity and growth, not for harsh judgment.
They let you see clearly where you’re strong, where you have room to grow, and what you want in your partner.
Instead of vague relationship clichés ("We grew apart," "We're just too different"), you'll have concrete language, clear examples, and actual neuroscience backing up your conversations.
When you both know where you're at, you can consciously decide to grow together or separately.
Clarity isn't just power, it's freedom.
So, yes, it's annoying that I had to spell this out myself because no one else would.
But if it gives you the clarity to build healthier relationships, then maybe losing my mind a bit was worth it.
You're welcome.
Now, please, go forth and become emotionally available relationship ninjas so I never have to define this again.
And until next time… Live Heroically 🧠
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Supporting Research
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2018). The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the "Love Lab". W. W. Norton & Company.
Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281–291. https://doi.org/10.1017.S0048577201393198
Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. Sounds True.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology: An Integrative Handbook of the Mind. W. W. Norton & Company.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.
Levenson, R. W., Haase, C. M., Bloch, L., Holley, S. R., & Seider, B. H. (2014). Emotion regulation in couples. In J. J. Gross (Ed.), Handbook of emotion regulation (pp. 267–283). Guilford Press.
Another great read Cody! Love how you broke it down because I had no idea what emotional availability meant either lol. Also, what’s the difference between emotional availability and emotional intelligence?
Quite informative and engaging. The practical suggestions and emotional availability rating scales enriched the article and made it more interesting.