You're Not Afraid of Failure... Here's What You're Really Afraid of... 🧠

The 5 Fears Under the Fear of Failure (5min Read)

TL;DR Summary:

• Unveiling the Real Fears: Think you fear failure? Discover the 5 things you're actually afraid of.

• Deconstructing Shame: Ever worried about humiliation from failing? Learn how this fear is more about social belonging than actual failure.

• Questioning Identity: How does failing make us doubt who we are? Explore how a fixed mindset amplifies this fear.

• Anxiety Over the Unknown: What really scares us about our future when we face failure? Uncover the deep-seated need for predictability that governs this fear.

• Social Perceptions and Self-Worth: Afraid of losing esteem in the eyes of others? Find out why your self-worth shouldn't depend on external validation.

• Disappointing Others: Why is letting people down so daunting? Learn about the psychological roots of prioritizing others' feelings over your own well-being.

• Transforming Fear Into Action: Discover practical strategies to transform your approach to fear and failure, making them stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks.

Welcome Back!

It’s Not Failure You’re Scared Of…

You're not afraid of failure. You think you are, but you're wrong...

Specific problems have specific solutions, and the "Fear of Failure" isn't specific at all.

That's why the general solutions you've tried to fix don't work.

Here's what you're really afraid of.

Today, we’re going to talk about the 5 specific fears under the Fear of Failure.

Let’s dive in.

1. The Fear of Shame

The fear of shame is perhaps one of the most visceral reactions to failure.

It's the worry that if you fail, it will result in public humiliation.

The fear of shame is deeply rooted in our innate need for social acceptance and belonging.

Evolutionarily, being part of a group was crucial for survival, making the fear of social rejection a common and powerful emotional trigger.

This fear can be exacerbated by past experiences of humiliation or by cultures that heavily stigmatize failure.

What to Do About It

To combat this, imagine comforting a friend or child who feels embarrassed.

What compassionate words would you offer?

Apply these same reassurances to yourself.

Remind yourself that everyone fails and that it does not diminish your worth or dignity.

Recognize that making mistakes and experiencing failure are universal aspects of the human condition.

2. The Fear of Confidence Erosion

This fear revolves around questioning your self-identity after a failure.

"If I fail, am I really who I think I am?"

This can shake your self-confidence to its core.

This fear can stem from a fixed mindset, where individuals believe their abilities are static and that failure reflects their unchangeable inadequacies.

A history of conditional self-esteem, where self-worth is tied to success, can also contribute to this fear!

What to Do About It

Adopt a growth mindset, focusing on personal development and learning instead of fixed outcomes.

To do this, shift your focus from the outcomes to the process.

Value the journey and the effort you put in, regardless of the result.

Celebrate your perseverance and the lessons learned along the way.

Remind yourself, "I am always learning and growing, and every setback teaches me something valuable, it’s feedback not failure."

3. The Fear of Future Instability

The fear of future instability is about worrying over the unknown.

"What will my future hold if I fail?"

This can create anxiety about the unknown and a perceived lack of control over one's life.

It is fundamentally tied to our psychological need for security and predictability.

As humans, we have a deep-seated desire for a stable environment, as it allows for better planning, reduced stress, and a sense of control over our life.

If you’ve experienced a financial disaster or unexpected job loss in the past, it can leave a lasting impact on your psyche, making you more susceptible to this fear.

What to Do About It

A practical approach to mitigating this fear is to maintain a fear journal.

Write down the worst-case scenarios and then methodically plan out potential solutions or responses.

This exercise can demystify the unknown and reduce anxiety about potential outcomes.

Tim Ferris uses Fear Journaling all the time, here’s his TED Talk on it.

Also, building a strong support network and establishing financial or emotional safety nets can alleviate fears about future uncertainties.

4. The Fear of Others' Perception

Many fear that failure will alter how others perceive them.

“If I fail, others won't look up to me or care about me anymore.”

This fear can be particularly paralyzing because it affects social standings and relationships.

This fear is influenced by social comparison and a hyper-awareness of your social image.

It is often fueled by societal pressures to succeed and a personal identity that is closely tied to how others view us.

What to Do About It

If you're afraid that it will change how others see you, take a moment to reassess your inner circle.

You have inherent worth and value, if the people around you don't value that, replace them with those who do.

Focus on developing intrinsic motivations and values that are independent of others' opinions.

Engaging in activities that reinforce your sense of self-worth outside of external validation can help shift your focus from external judgments to internal satisfaction and fulfillment.

Activities like painting, writing, music, learning a new skill, exercise, journaling, being in nature, or reading are all great places to start!

5. The Fear of Letting Others Down

Lastly, the fear of disappointing others is a common concern.

“If I fail, others will be disappointed in me...”

This often stems from a tendency to prioritize others' feelings over your own well-being.

This external locus of control causes you to believe your worth is determined by your ability to meet the expectations of others.

It’s also linked to people-pleasing behaviors, which can stem from early life experiences where approval was tied to love and acceptance.

What to Do About It

If you're afraid of disappointing others, identify the Part of you that prioritizes others' feelings over your own well-being, name it, and befriend it.

Then imagine it's a child and start teaching it how to consider others' emotions without sacrificing your own needs.

This will allow you to start setting boundaries with the people in your life.

Start by clearly defining your limits and communicating them to others.

Practice saying no in low-stakes situations to build your confidence in standing up for your needs.

This can help in setting healthy emotional boundaries.

See I Told You…

You're not afraid of failure.

You're afraid of the repercussions you've attached to it.

By understanding the fears underneath the fear of failure and employing targeted strategies, you can begin to dismantle these fears, transforming how you view challenges and setbacks in your life.

Remember, the goal isn't to eliminate fear entirely but to manage it in a way that it no longer controls your actions or hinders your growth.

Good luck, and until next time… Live Heroically 🧠

Supporting Research:

• Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. W. H. Freeman.

• Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529.

• Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

• Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218-226.

• Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865-878.

• Lyubomirsky, S., Sheldon, K. M., & Schkade, D. (2005). Pursuing happiness: The architecture of sustainable change. Review of General Psychology, 9(2), 111-131.