Stop Regulating Your Emotions... 🧠
Why calming yourself down is not the same as healing (8min Read)
TL;DR Summary:
Regulation ≠ processing. They are not interchangeable.
Regulating emotions without processing them is emotional sedation, not healing.
This mistake is everywhere after heartbreak—especially among high-achieving women.
Your nervous system calms during regulation.
Your nervous system changes during processing.
If your pain keeps coming back louder at night, you’re not “failing at regulation.”
You’re avoiding the part of the work no one taught you how to do.
Now let’s talk about the part TikTok keeps skipping.
Regulation ≠ Processing.
These things are not interchangeable, and are very different from one another…
I swear, if I hop on with one more potential client trying to breathe away her grief, or anxiety, or sadness, I might lose it.
Not because breathing is bad. Not because grounding is useless. Not because regulation doesn’t matter.
But because you were never taught what regulation is actually for.
And now you’re using it like an emotional Febreze.
You breathe it away. You ground it away. You reframe it away. You calm it down. You shove it aside.
Over. And over. And over…
And then you sit across from me months later, still heartbroken, still ruminating, still waking up at 2 a.m. with a tight chest, and ask:
“Cody, why does this keep coming back if I’m doing all the right things?”
Because you’ve been regulating emotions you were supposed to be processing, my friend.
Which is why I’m writing today with my fingers on freaking fire!!
Today, we’re talking about the difference between regulating and processing, when to do each, and how to do both.
Buckle up, it’s gonna be a wild ride. 😈 (If you’re listening to this, please see the written blog to review the emoji at the end of this sentence so you can accurately understand my emotional state while writing this one.)
Regulation is Not Healing, It’s Crowd Control
Here’s the cleanest way I’ve found to say this.
Regulation calms the nervous system.
Processing changes the nervous system.
Those are not the same outcome.
Regulation is what you do when the intensity is too high right now.
Processing is what you do when you’re ready to actually metabolize the experience.
Using regulation instead of processing is like pushing a balloon underwater.
It works… until it doesn’t, you’re just delaying the explosion.
And when it pops back up?
It comes back bigger, louder, and usually at 2 a.m. when you’re exhausted and alone.
Sound familiar??
Why High-Achievers are Especially Vulnerable to this Trap
This is a very common coping mechanism for high achievers for all kinds of emotions, in all kinds of situations.
But, as you know, I specialize in relationships, specifically healing after heartbreak and attachment trauma.
Which is why I most commonly see this pattern showup after:
Breakups
Divorces
Discards
Situationship implosions
Attachment ruptures of any kind really
Especially if you’re competent, intelligent, and used to “handling things.”
Because regulation tools feel like doing something.
They give you a sense of control. They reduce symptoms. They help you function.
And for someone who values productivity and composure, that feels like success.
But emotionally?
You’re sedating a system that’s trying to communicate to you.
The Neuroscience
When you regulate, you’re primarily working bottom-up:
Slowing the breath
Activating the vagus nerve
Reducing sympathetic arousal
Increasing parasympathetic tone
This brings the nervous system back into tolerance.
Good. Necessary. Helpful.
But processing involves integration, and that requires higher-order networks:
The insula (interoception and emotional awareness)
The medial prefrontal cortex (meaning-making and Self-leadership)
The hippocampus (contextualizing memory in time)
Reduced amygdala dominance over time
Processing is what allows an emotional experience to be felt, understood, contextualized, and eventually even updated.
Without processing, the nervous system keeps tagging the experience as unfinished.
Another way I like to put it is that it’s an “open loop” and your brain HATES these.
Which means it will keep reactivating it.
Not to punish you. To complete it, to close the loop.
Why “Calming Down” Can Actually Delay Healing
Here’s the part almost no one tells you…
If you regulate every time emotion arises, you teach your nervous system that:
Emotions are dangerous
Intensity must be stopped immediately
Expression equals loss of control
So the system gets sneakier.
It waits until you’re quiet. Until you’re alone. Until your defenses are down.
Hello, 2 a.m.
This isn’t because you’re broken.
It’s because your nervous system is persistent, and trying to keep you safe!
So, What’s the Actual Solution?
At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Alright, Cody, so what do I do instead?”
I can assure you, I’m not suggesting you stop regulating all together.
But you do stop using regulation as avoidance.
Yep, I said it. Go re-read that. :)
I say it with love, and because I know you don’t know what else to do, so it’s ok!
And this is where my Middle Path Framework comes in.
It’s adapted from Internal Family Systems Trauma Therapy (IFS), which is what I’m trained in.
It solves the false binary of:
“Should I feel this or calm it down?”
Because that question, asked in the moment, is the problem.
Here’s EXACTLY what to do instead!
The Middle Path Framework
Step 1: Decide Ahead of Time
Stop asking yourself during the emotional wave what you should do.
In the middle of a large emotion is not the time you’re gonna be thinking the clearest…
Surprise, surprise.
So, decide before the wave hits.
One of the best ways to accomplish this is to set up some processing windows daily and weekly.
I personally have a daily processing window with myself at the end of the day.
And a weekly processing container with my therapist for things I need a hand with or don’t feel comfortable going to on my own.
This matters more than any breathing technique.
Why?
Because predictability = safety for the nervous system.
Step 2: Ask the Right Question
When emotion shows up, ask:
“Am I regulating right now—or am I processing later today or this week?”
That’s it.
No shame either way. Not every moment is a processing moment.
Some moments are about survival and functioning.
But the key is this: Regulation becomes a pause, not a dismissal.
Step 3a: If it’s a REGULATION Moment
Regulate cleanly and consciously, if you’re reading this, you likely already have the tools to:
Ground your body
Slow the exhale
Orient to safety
Now you just need to add in explicitly telling yourself: “I will come back to this.”
That sentence matters.
You’re making a promise to your nervous system.
And then make sure you keep this promise.
I use sticky notes or reminders in my phone to help me capture what’s coming up in the moment so that I can process it later in either my daily, or weekly window!
Step 3b: If it’s a PROCESSING Window
This is where most people panic, because we’re not taught how to actually process our emotions…
So, here is an IFS-informed emotional processing system you can use!
1. Find it in or around your body.
Don’t analyze. Sense.
Remind yourself, this is a PART of you, not YOU.
Once you find it, go to step 2.
2. Spend 30–60 seconds just noticing.
Is it big or small?
Tight or diffuse?
Heavy or buzzy?
Close or far away?
Any images, colors, or sensations?
3. Ask the most important question:
“How do I feel toward this emotion or “Part” of yourself?”
If the answer is anything other than curiosity or compassion, that’s information, not failure.
4. If curiosity is available, ask, not fix:
“What do you want me to understand?”
“What’s your role?”
“What are you afraid would happen if I didn’t feel you?”
“What are you protecting me from?”
“How long have you been doing this for me?”
“How old do you think I am?”
And here’s the rule everyone tries to break:
You don’t fix. You don’t argue. You don’t coach.
You witness.
That’s how balloons begin to deflate, people!
Why this Works (and Why it Feels Slower but Lasts Longer)
Processing updates the nervous system’s internal model.
It tells your brain, this happened, I survived, I understand it now, and I’m not trapped in it.
That’s not calming. That’s completion.
And completion is what ends repetition.
You may have noticed this process isn’t targeting the deepest layers of your system.
That’s because deep processing often needs support.
Which is totally normal.
In fact, my own therapist is IFS-trained. Just like me, and helps me with the deeper and bigger things I need to process.
Because some parts formed in a relationship. And they heal in relationships.
This is especially true for relationship trauma and heartbreak!
And that’s not a weakness.
It’s how nervous systems work!
It’s Time To Start Processing
If you’re exhausted from ‘managing’ your emotions but still hurting…
You don’t need better regulation tools.
You need space to actually process what your pain has been trying to say.
And once you do?
You don’t have to keep pushing the balloon underwater.
You finally get to let the air out.
Until next time… Live Heroically 🧠
Want to Work With Me? Here Are a Few Ways I Can Help You
Going through a breakup? Check out She Rises. It’s a post-breakup protocol based on neuroscience to help you regulate your nervous system in the days and weeks right after a breakup.
Check out my FREE webinar on The ONE Skill That Attracts Secure Love Fast. If you’re smart, attractive, successful, and self-aware, but love still feels like a minefield, this is for you!
Grab my new ebook: Exactly How to Become Emotionally Available: It’s a step-by-step guide for attracting and keeping the love you seek, built for the success but single among us!
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Supporting Research
Campbell-Sills, L., Barlow, D. H., Brown, T. A., & Hofmann, S. G. (2006). Effects of suppression and acceptance on emotional responses of individuals with anxiety and mood disorders. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(9), 1251–1263. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.10.001
Foa, E. B., & Kozak, M. J. (1986). Emotional processing of fear: Exposure to corrective information. Psychological Bulletin, 99(1), 20–35. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.99.1.20
Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.2.3.271
Lane, R. D., Ryan, L., Nadel, L., & Greenberg, L. (2015). Memory reconsolidation, emotional arousal, and the process of change in psychotherapy. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 38, e1. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0140525X14000041
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
This article is educational in nature and not a substitute for therapy. If attachment wounds or relational trauma are impacting your wellbeing, working with a trauma-informed therapist can help your nervous system relearn safety in connection.