The Top 5 Childhood Core Wounds in Overachievers 🧠

Why You’re Still Exhausted, Even After Accomplishing Everything (8min Read)

TL;DR Summary

• Childhood wounds like rejection, abandonment, and humiliation aren't just emotional—they shape your nervous system and coping strategies.

• Anxious achievers often develop perfectionism, people-pleasing, and emotional numbness as adaptive responses.

• These wounds hijack your attachment system and sense of worth, making rest, joy, and failure feel unsafe.

• Each wound carries an evolutionary logic—painful, but once protective.

• Healing requires seeing the pattern, understanding the why, and gently rewiring safety into the body and brain.

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What Are Core Childhood Wounds, Really?

The term “childhood trauma” has become a bit of a buzzword in my field in recent years.

This isn’t inherently bad, but it begs the question, what is childhood trauma?

What are these childhood core wounds influencers are shouting about on Instagram?

You can’t see them on an X-ray, but they leave imprints all over your nervous system, relationships, and self-worth.

Core childhood wounds are deep relational injuries—moments or patterns when your developing brain and body learned that love, safety, or belonging weren’t guaranteed.

They’re not just memories.

They are blueprints that your nervous system builds around.

They show up in your adult life as anxiety, hyper-independence, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, emotional numbing, or chronic overachieving.

And today, we’re breaking down the top 5 that I see in my work with clients.

Buckle up!

The Top 5 Core Wounds (and How They Shape Anxious Overachievers)

1. Rejection → Conditional Worth

“I’m only lovable when I succeed.”

First up is rejection, something nearly all of us have dealt with at one point or another.

Rejection in childhood often doesn’t look like outright cruelty—it looks like subtle emotional withdrawal, harsh criticism, or only being praised for achievements.

Over time, the child learns: Who I am isn’t enough—only what I do matters.

This can lead to chronic muscle tension, a tight chest before giving or receiving feedback, or that sinking feeling when praise isn’t immediate or disappointment floods in.

This impacts the nervous system as well.

The medial prefrontal cortex (involved in self-appraisal) and the anterior cingulate cortex (tracking social exclusion) light up more intensely in people who’ve experienced early rejection.

The stress response system becomes sensitized to potential disapproval.

How It Shows Up in Adulthood:

• Relentless productivity and overcommitment, even when exhausted

• Difficulty receiving compliments or feeling “seen” unless achieving

• Anxiety when resting, relaxing, or doing something “unproductive”

• Over-identification with job title, GPA, or resume

• People-pleasing or shape-shifting to avoid disapproval

• Deep fear of being disliked or “not good enough”

2. Abandonment → Fear of Being Left Behind

“If I don’t stay perfect, you’ll leave.”

Next up is abandonment, but not just physical, emotional too!

Physical or emotional abandonment wires a child to believe that love is fragile.

This can come from divorce, death, or a parent who’s physically present but emotionally absent.

For example, let’s say you’re 9 years old and you just had a rough day at school.

You come home upset.

Your parent is there—they made dinner. They’re sitting in the living room, maybe even asked how your day was.

But when you say, “I had a bad day,” they respond with:

• “Well, life’s not always fair. You’ll get over it.”

• Or, “You’re too sensitive. Just let it go.”

• Or maybe they don’t respond at all—they nod, but never look up from their phone.

They're technically there. But emotionally? There’s a wall.

No curiosity. No attunement. No mirroring of your emotional world.

This rewires your nervous system too.

The amygdala (threat detection) becomes hyperactive.

Oxytocin systems may dysregulate, impairing the felt sense of bonding.

The vagus nerve & HPA Axis become primed for fight-or-flight when attachment cues are inconsistent.

Which makes sense, because children are helpless alone.

Abandonment would’ve meant death.

So the nervous system prioritizes hyperconnection-seeking as a survival tactic.

How It Shows Up in Adulthood:

• Clingy or avoidant relationship dynamics (fear of being “too much” or “not enough”)

• Panic or spiraling thoughts when texts go unanswered

• Chronic fear of being excluded, left-out, or forgotten

• Tendency to over-give in relationships to secure closeness

• Attachment to mentors, coaches, or authority figures for reassurance

• Success as a strategy to "earn" connection or prevent loss

3. Humiliation → Imposter Syndrome & Shame

“Everyone will realize I’m a fraud.”

Humiliation usually comes from being shamed, mocked, or compared, especially in public or by caregivers.

This installs the idea that being seen = being unsafe.

This can look different for everyone, but some common examples are:

• A teacher read your bad grade out loud to the class.

• A parent laughed about you wetting the bed—at dinner with guests.

• You got a 98%, and they asked, “What happened to the other 2%?”

• Your body was criticized in front of others: “You’re getting chubby.”

• You were punished and told they’d teach you a lesson in front of others.

Humiliation is a social death threat to the brain.

It activates the same brain circuits as physical pain—the dorsal anterior cingulate and insula.

Over time, the brain learns to anticipate and preemptively avoid situations that might involve praise or failure.

That’s the formula anxious achievers often carry into adulthood.

Shame is a social glue—it teaches us not to break group norms.

But when shame is weaponized, it becomes a prison that kills creativity and confidence.

How It Shows Up in Adulthood:

• Minimizing accomplishments (“It wasn’t that big a deal”)

• Cringing at praise or deflecting compliments

• Feeling exposed when speaking up, even with expertise

• Avoiding leadership roles despite being qualified

• Deep fear of looking stupid or making mistakes publicly

4. Betrayal → Hyper-Control and Skepticism

“If I don’t do it all myself, I’ll get hurt.”

Broken promises, unkept protection, or manipulation teach children that trust is dangerous.

These wounds often go underground, driving over-responsibility and a deep discomfort with delegation.

You’ve got a tight jaw from constant planning and an inability to relax, even after double-checking everything.

It might have looked like:

• Confiding in a parent about something painful—and they told someone else, laughed or used it against you.

• A caregiver said, “You can tell me anything,” but punished you for your honesty.

• A trusted adult broke a promise they knew mattered—then acted like it wasn’t a big deal.

So, you learned that trust is dangerous, honesty has consequences, and no one’s really coming to save you.

Now you do it all yourself—controlling, over-preparing, and expecting others to let you down.

Yikes.

This causes your hippocampus (memory and context) and amygdala (threat detection) to become entangled in a way.

You remember pain, and your brain won’t let you forget it.

Hypervigilance becomes the default.

How It Shows Up in Adulthood:

• Micromanaging or struggling to delegate

• High distrust in teams, partners, or systems

• Feeling like “no one shows up for me like I show up for them”

• Refusal to ask for help, even when overwhelmed

• Expecting others to disappoint or let you down

5. Injustice → Rigidity and Righteousness

“It has to be fair, or I can’t let it go.”

The final core wound is injustice!

Inconsistencies in discipline, favoritism, or living in a system that punished honesty or effort.

Children in these kinds of environments develop black-and-white thinking, over functioning, and a desperate need for order.

They rage at unfairness and can’t “just go with it.”

The dorsolateral prefrontal cortex becomes hyperactive in trying to “solve” or “fix” fairness violations.

Cortisol spikes during perceived injustice trigger the same stress circuits as a threat to physical safety.

This all makes a ton of sense, considering that fairness helped early human groups survive—resource hoarding was dangerous.

Those most attuned to justice were protectors.

But in overdrive, that radar leads to burnout and relational fractures.

How It Shows Up in Adulthood:

• Feeling triggered by inconsistency, favoritism, or hypocrisy

• Struggling to tolerate “gray areas” or ambiguous rules

• Becoming overly rule-bound or principled to avoid being wronged

• Anger that lingers over small perceived injustices

• Resisting feedback if it feels “unfair” or poorly delivered

Healing Childhood Core Wounds

By now, if you’re anything like me, you’re thinking, “Damn, what if I’ve got all of these?!”

Fear not imaginary reader in my head, I’ve got you!

First of all, it’s not uncommon to have more than one.

Second, no matter how many you have, you CAN heal!

Your nervous system is malleable.

Here’s how to shape it.

Exactly How to Heal

Lemme guess, you’ve been trying to “outperform” your pain, haven’t you?

You’ve read books and blogs, listened to podcasts, doubled down on your routines—thinking if you just optimize hard enough, the pain will go away.

But it doesn’t because you're trying to solve an emotional wound with a performance strategy.

You’re fixing the symptoms, not the source, not the root.

This keeps your nervous system locked in survival mode.

You burn out, feel like a fraud, and no amount of success ever feels like “enough.”

Sound familiar?

I get it, trust me.

The key isn’t trying the same thing over and over again.

To get what you’ve never had, you’ve gotta do what you’ve never done!

Here’s what to do.

Heal Through Safety, Not Achievement

The 4-Step Process

Step 1: Name the Pattern
Notice when you’re performing for worth (overworking, pleasing, perfecting). Awareness breaks the autopilot.

Step 2: Feel the Signal

Tune into the body cue (tight chest, racing thoughts, fawn response). That’s the wound flaring up—not the “real” problem.

Step 3: Regulate, Then Reflect
Co-regulate with someone safe, or use your breath to calm the body. Then ask:

• “How old do I feel right now?”

• “What am I afraid will happen?”

• “What is this Part of me protecting me from?” Rejection? Humiliation? Abandonment, etc?”

Step 4: Reparent the Moment
Offer yourself what you didn’t get back then: validation, safety, rest, permission to be human—not perfect.

Releasing the Core Wound

After you’ve done this with your Parts, it may be time to help release that traumatized Part of you, the “core” of the core wound.

IFS calls these exiles. They’re the ones that hold on to the pain of the rejection, injustice, and humiliation for you and they’re trapped.

This step is what makes Internal Family Systems different from other forms of trauma therapy.

It has a process to rescue these exiled core wounds.

It’s not something you can do alone. It can be intense to go to these Parts. That is why it is best to do it with a coach or therapist!

Once released, your entire system feels free.

Confidence, courage, calm, clarity, compassion, curiosity, playfulness, creativity, and patience will flood back into you.

Your nervous system softens.

Success feels safer. Rest stops feeling like a failure.

And you begin to relate to yourself with compassion, not criticism.

It’s a beautiful moment!

You’re Not Broken

If any part of you is sitting there thinking,“Holy sh*t, this explains everything… but now what?”*—take a breath.

You’re not broken. You’re not too far gone. You’re not stuck like this forever.

You’ve just been living according to blueprints your nervous system drew up when you were small, vulnerable, and doing your best to survive.

Now, you just have to stop running from the pain long enough to listen to it.

You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to be seen without performing.

You are allowed to rewrite the story.

And the next chapter starts with a whisper from the part of you that always knew:

“I was never too much. I was never not enough. I just needed someone to stay.”

That someone… is you.

Until next time… Live Heroically 🧠

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Supporting Research

• van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.

• Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

• McLaughlin, K. A., Sheridan, M. A., & Lambert, H. K. (2014). Childhood adversity and neural development: deprivation and threat as distinct dimensions of early experience. Neuroscience and biobehavioral reviews, 47, 578–591. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2014.10.012

• Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American journal of preventive medicine, 14(4), 245–258. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0749-3797(98)00017-8

• Shonkoff, J. P., Garner, A. S., Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, Committee on Early Childhood, Adoption, and Dependent Care, & Section on Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics (2012). The lifelong effects of early childhood adversity and toxic stress. Pediatrics, 129(1), e232–e246. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2011-2663

• Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications. Guilford Publications.