Why You Can’t Stop People-Pleasing: The Neuroscience of Fawning 🧠
Why You Can’t Stop People-Pleasing & How to Finally Start Saying No (7min Read)
TL;DR:
People-pleasing, also known as the "fawning" trauma response, is a survival strategy rooted in the nervous system to appease perceived threats.
It’s linked to the vagus nerve and explained by Polyvagal Theory, which highlights how your body navigates states of safety and fear.
Fawning often leads to burnout, resentment, and disconnection from your authentic self.
To break the cycle, practice awareness, create pause phrases, define your needs, rebuild interoceptive awareness, and rehearse boundaries through visualization.
Fawning is not a flaw but a protective mechanism that can be rewired with consistent effort, helping you reclaim your voice and autonomy.
Why Do You Say “Yes” When You Want to Say “No”?
Have you ever found yourself bending over backward to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or win someone’s approval—even when it comes at your own expense?
People pleasing… We’ve all done it, but WHY do we do it?
You might chalk it up to being a "nice person," but there’s actually some interesting neuroscience at play.
You’ve probably heard of your Fight or Flight response, but I bet you didn’t know there are 2 other types of responses in traumatic moments.
Freeze and something called Fawn.
Today, we’re going to dive into this “Fawning” response to start to understand people pleasing from a different perspective!
The Fawn Response: A Survival Strategy in Disguise
When faced with danger, your nervous system deploys strategies to keep you safe.
As I mentioned, you’ve probably heard of fight, flight, or freeze—but the fourth trauma response, fawn, is less heard of.
It’s not about running or hiding; it’s about appeasing the threat to survive.
Fawning is the nervous system’s way of saying: "If I make myself useful, agreeable, or invisible, maybe I’ll be safe."
In childhood, if you learned that keeping others happy was the best way to avoid harm—whether emotional or physical—your brain hardwired this response.
As an adult, it might show up as people-pleasing, over-apologizing, or an inability to set boundaries.
So many of my anxious-achieving clients wonder why they do these things and rarely realize this is a trauma response!
What’s Happening in Your Brain and Body?
The fawn response is not just a behavioral habit; it’s deeply embedded in your nervous system.
The vagus nerve, a key part of the parasympathetic nervous system, is your body’s "brake pedal" for stress.
It connects your brain to your heart, lungs, and gut, constantly scanning for cues of safety or danger.
When your vagus nerve senses a threat, it shifts your body into survival mode.
In fawning, the vagus nerve leans into a "social appeasement" strategy, signaling to others, “I’m not a threat; please don’t hurt me.”
Polyvagal Theory and the Fawn Response
I’ve written a whole blog on Polyvagal Theory, but here’s a short refresher.
According to Polyvagal Theory, your nervous system operates across three states:
Ventral Vagal (Safe and Social): You feel connected, calm, and secure.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): You’re mobilized to escape or defend yourself.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown or Freeze): You feel numb, disconnected, or helpless.
Fawning is a blended state, where your nervous system combines elements of the ventral vagal (social engagement) with sympathetic activation (fear).
It’s a clever survival strategy—but it keeps you stuck, prioritizing others' needs over your own.
Why Fawning Feels Like a Hard Habit to Break
If you grew up in an environment where expressing your needs led to rejection, punishment, or neglect, your brain adapted by suppressing them.
Over time, your prefrontal cortex (the rational, decision-making part of your brain) learned to override your amygdala (the fear center), convincing you that pleasing others was the safest option.
While fawning may have protected you in the past, it has long-term costs:
Burnout: Constantly ignoring your own needs depletes your energy. (Been there)
Resentment: Suppressing your feelings leads to anger bubbling beneath the surface.
Disconnection: You lose touch with your authentic self.
Resentment is the most dangerous of these if you ask me.
The number of times I’ve had a client come to me so mad at their partner for breaking a boundary they never set is wild.
They stay pissed off, while simultaneously feeling like they can’t do anything about it because they can’t see past this fawn response yet.
It’s a vicious cycle…
So, how do you break it, Cody? I’m so glad you asked!
You know I wouldn’t leave you hanging.
How to Shift from Fawning to Authentic Boundaries
As I repeat ad nauseum, your nervous system can be rewired, your ENTIRE life.
Here are 5 ways to start to break this fawn response and heal your nervous system!
1. Learn to Recognize the Fawn Response
Awareness is the first step.
Long-time readers won’t be surprised to hear that I believe you should name this Fawning or People Pleasing Part of you!
This will help you be more aware when it takes over and shifts your relationship with it from your identity to a PART of you.
Once you’ve named it pay attention to when you:
Over-apologize or avoid conflict.
Say “yes” to things you don’t want to do.
Feel anxious when someone seems upset.
Ask yourself: Am I acting as mySELF or is this my People Pleasing Part.
2. Create a “Pause Phrase”
When the urge to fawn arises, it’s often automatic and hard to interrupt.
Having a pause phrase ready—something simple you can say to buy yourself time—can help break this automatic loop.
Examples of Pause Phrases:
“Let me think about it and get back to you.”
“I need a moment to process this.”
“I’m not sure; let me check my schedule.”
These phrases create space for your prefrontal cortex to step in, giving you time to assess the situation and respond authentically rather than reactively.
3. Define Your Needs, Wants, Preferences & Desires
Surprise, surprise, it’s hard to articulate needs and wants you don’t even know yourself!
I struggled with this one hard when I was working with my People Pleasing Part.
I was upset about things I couldn’t even define, so take time to define some of these things for yourself so you know where you sit!
Try asking yourself these questions, then write down your responses.
What are three things I need to feel safe in my relationships?
What helps me feel emotionally supported when I’m stressed or upset?
What situations make me feel overwhelmed or resentful, and why?
What am I currently saying "yes" to that I secretly wish I could decline? (Another way to ask this is, “If no one else knew which decision I made, what would I pick?”)
If I wasn’t worried about disappointing anyone, what would I choose to prioritize?
What are three things I wish I could do more of, if time or obligations weren’t a factor?
4. Strengthen the Interoceptive Awareness of Your Needs
Alright, next up, we need to make the unconscious, conscious!
Fawning disconnects you from your body’s internal signals—like hunger, fatigue, or discomfort—as you focus solely on others' needs.
Rebuilding interoceptive awareness (your ability to sense internal bodily states) can help you notice when you’re sacrificing yourself to please others.
Here’s how to practice:
Throughout the day, pause and scan your body. Ask yourself:
Am I tense anywhere?
Am I feeling tired, hungry, or thirsty?
What does my body need right now?
Pair these check-ins with breathwork or light movement to reconnect with your physical sensations.
When you’re more attuned to your body’s signals, it’s easier to recognize when you’re fawning and shift toward honoring your needs instead.
I’m not saying there’s causation here, but I can tell you anecdotally that my male clients stuck in fawning responses often neglect feelings of tiredness and stress.
My female clients on the other hand often neglect hunger and thirst more.
There’s probably a blog topic hidden in this phenomenon somewhere, but that’s for another day!
5. Use Visualization to Rehearse Boundaries
Last but not least, practice makes perfect!
Boundaries feel weird and harsh at first, trust me, I’m still on this journey myself!
Lucky for us, your brain doesn’t always distinguish between real and imagined experiences.
So, by mentally rehearsing scenarios where you set boundaries, you can "practice" being assertive in a low-pressure way.
This activates your prefrontal cortex (decision-making and self-control) and weakens the fear-based dominance of the amygdala.
How to Do It:
Close your eyes and imagine a situation where you’re tempted to fawn (e.g., someone asking for a favor).
Picture yourself calmly setting a boundary, using clear and kind language.
Visualize the positive outcome: you feel safe, respected, and aligned with your needs.
This process, if repeated and practiced, will make it second nature to you when the real moment arrives!
Which of these steps resonates most with you? Let me know in the comments or send me a message—I’d love to hear about your journey!
Fawning is Not a Character Flaw
This Fawning Part of you that has been protecting for years!
It’s a brilliant survival strategy your nervous system developed to keep you safe.
It’s not a flaw or something to be ashamed of.
We’ve all been there, myself included!
By understanding the neuroscience of fawning and practicing small steps toward authentic boundaries, you can reclaim your voice and your sense of self.
Trust me, you’ve got this.
And always remember: It’s safe to take up space. It’s safe to say no. And it’s safe to be you.
Make it your new mantra!
And until next time… Live Heroically 🧠
Supporting Research
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Norton & Company.
Schore, A. N. (2001). Effects of a secure attachment relationship on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 7–66.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
Incredible helpful thanks! After reading this article I realized that with every email there comes a kind of pressure for me to meet estimations. With more than 100 emails receiving per day this means many stressful moments.
Fascinating! I just learned a lot about myself. Thank you.